Salam ALLAH for you Dr. Yahya, please quickly answer and call me......
I grew up in an entity that could be anything but not a family. A man we call "father" provides for us more than we could ever dream of. He is usually busy managing his companies, and we rarely see him—except when he falls ill and has to stay at home. A woman we call "mother" manages the house and seven children with strictness, even to the point of cruelty, in an attempt to control their behavior and compensate for the father's absence. She typically sleeps only a few hours and never finds time to see a doctor about her deteriorating health, so the doctor comes to her, no matter the cost. Daily regimen, follow-up, and even close monitoring of every lapse, and with studying in the most prestigious schools and providing a team of private tutors, the results of the certificates were impressive.
Don't ask me about morality and how each of us is isolated himself in his room, lost in his own virtual worlds! Even though the principal—a mother—turns off the internet at 10 PM, each of us has his own secret way of staying connected and wanders wherever his impulses lead him!
Our relationship with what is supposed to be our father is -no relationship-practically nonexistent, while fear of our mother is what motivates us to work.
This dynamic has affected our relationships as siblings—we rarely see each other because each of us is busy with our own schedules, whether it's sports or tutoring. As a result, our relationships are superficial, and we hardly know one another. Family meetings are never on the agenda! Plus, as you know, social media apps are so entertaining, and the people we connect with there seem more exciting and glamorous.
In the eleventh grade, our physics teacher stood out for his ability to present the material in an engaging and entertaining way, peppered with endless jokes. He had a fun, natural style, without any affectation or pretense, and he was also quite handsome, often dressed in exaggerated elegance. All the girls eagerly anticipated his classes, and there were plenty of comments and fantasies about how he might be interested in a particular student or that his glances were meaningful. I was especially eager to excel in physics, hoping he would praise and compliment me.
I slept little from the night when his praise echoed in my ears, especially when he said, "I love your way of thinking."
In the twelfth grade, I decided to have it on my own! My mother called and asked him if he teaches me in private sessions, but he apologized for his lack of time, so I called him without what my mother knew until he weakened and agreed! And I am wandering with joy.
In the twelfth grade I decided to have him on my own! My mother had called him to ask if he could give me private lessons, but he declined due to his busy schedule. Undeterred, I reached out to him myself without my mother knowing. After some persistence, he finally agreed, and I was overjoyed!
For the first time I feel…!!! I'm not sure what it was, I don’t know? He was teaching me in the office room, and I had asked the maid to prepare hospitality before he came and don't knock on the door!
That year turned into a love story with some transgressions. I asked him to marry me, even though I knew he was in his mid-fifties and had children in university. He refused, I then asked to meet one last time to say goodbye, first he declined, but eventually, he gave in. I let my emotions take over, and I enabled him from myself, so he fallen, I threatened him, then he agreed to our marriage.
I left the palace of misery and deprivation, and I learned that my father was becoming paralyzed after he knew my story, also my mother was staying in her room not leaving it... I didn't care. I stayed in a small apartment on the outskirts of our city and at first, he had most of his time with me and then reduced until I was most of the time alone! And I saw my husband without his elegant suit and his flowery words! And I woke up screaming in amazement, “who is this”?
I realized that I never loved him; I was just taking revenge for my father's neglect and my mother's harshness. No, I will not waste my life with this man who deceived me and captivated me with his sweet talk. But where do I go from here?
التحليل:
إن أشرس الحيوانات توفر لصغارها الدعم النفسي من الحب والحنان واللعب بما يوفر لها الاطمئنان فتنشأ قوية النفس والبدن. فرض على الوالدين أن يوفرا لأولادهما المحضن التربوي الصحي، ولا يحملا هم الإعالة المادية فقد تكفل الله بها "نحن نرزقهم وإياكم"، أما الرعاية النفسية فمسؤولية الوالدين. إن الأولاد محتاجين للدعم النفسي بالحب من خلال الكلمات الرقيقة والقبلات والأحضان ووو...وكل ما يشعرهم بحبنا لهم أي كانت جهودنا لتقويم سلوكياتهم الخاطئة، فلا يكونوا عرضة لأي أهواء تمدهم بما قصرنا فيه. كذلك دورنا في بناء ودعم ثقتهم بأنفسهم وتقديرنا واحترامنا لهم من خلال مصاحبتهم وتعبيرهم عن أنفسهم ومناقشة آرائهم واتباع المناسب منها، وتدريبهم على اتخاذهم لقراراتهم بطريقة رشيدة.
Analysis:
Even the fiercest animals provide their young with emotional and psychological support through love, affection, and play, which gives them a sense of security, helping them grow strong in both body and spirit. It is the duty of parents to create a healthy and nurturing environment for their children and not to worry about financial provision, as ALLAH has promised, "نحن نرزقهم وإياكم","We provide for them and for you". However, providing emotional and psychological care is the responsibility of the parents.
Children need emotional and psychological support through love, expressed in gentle words, kisses, hugs, and all forms of affection that make them feel that they are our love, regardless of our efforts to correct their wrong behaviors. This ensures that they are not vulnerable to any influences that might exploit what we have neglected. Our role also includes building and supporting their self-confidence, valuing, and respecting them by being their companions, allowing them to express themselves, discussing their opinions, adopting appropriate ones, and training them to make decisions wisely.
This girl, despite the well-being provided and comfortable life by her father, but the price was the loss of the father, and the mother tried to compensate for father’s absence with strict cruelty.
However, there is a difference between firmness and harshness; firmness is necessary, but harshness destroys children and alienates them from us. Similarly, there is a difference between love and leniency, love is an educational necessity that fosters a sense of belonging and unleashes hidden potential towards goals that parents help their children formulate and achieve. This, in turn, builds the children’s self-confidence and elevates them above reckless whims.
Therefore, one of the elements of education is love with firmness, positive love, which may prevent from meeting some of the children's requests with the ability to meet them, to accustom them to patience, exertion and acquisition of skills. Parents usually entrust scientific education to competent teachers, religious education to a faithful sheikh and physical education to specialists, but no one can be entrusted with emotional education so that their children are satisfied with love and trust on their behalf.
We also emphasize the importance of having a space for psychological comfort for children by allocating an open meeting at least once a week, not for orders or criticism and guidance, but for fun and discussion of family matters and for children to express themselves freely. Also, there should be a special space for each child alone, in which he feels his value and privacy, in which the child pleases his parents what he wants.
Teaching is a great trust, and the future of the nation depends on its success. Therefore, there must be continuous evaluation of those who undertake this noble trust. By this, I do not mean only professional competence, but also religious, ethical, and moral competence.
This teacher has betrayed the trust and manipulated the feelings of teenagers girl, who live a critical stage of her age. Then he became weakened in front of temptations of a girl of his daughter's age, and he pushed her to grow her dreams until she fell into his trap. How much psychologists have warned of the relationship of the teacher with his students and the doctor with his patients - especially when the sex is different - and that it may turn into a relationship of dependence, belongness, absolute trust and emotional attachment. The teacher or doctor must gradually withdraw and replace another if he feels that his patient/student attached with him in bad way.
It is also the responsibility of parents to choose a teacher or doctor of the same sex, and to be careful not to be alone. Also, it’s very important to follow up continuously.
The loss of a sense of security in the father's lap with all its warmth of tenderness, comprehension, reference and confidence - despite his physical presence - and compounded by the loss of the role of the mother with the meanings of abundant motherhood and she acted as a cruel manager, created an emotional vacuum and psychological turmoil for this girl.
Therefore, with the absence of a valued family that control the behavior of this girl, who has lost the educational embrace and deprived of emotional satisfaction, so she has become easy to fall into the clutches of those who have lost the great teaching secretariat, and found in her teenage teacher her purpose, as he compensates her for losing the father and meets her desire for love and attention to her as a teenager.
To you, my daughter:
A person cannot justify their mistakes by pointing to the errors of others, regardless of how grave those errors may be. As Allah, the Almighty, says in the Quran: "For every person, We have attached their fate to their own neck. And on the Day of Resurrection, we will bring forth a book which they will find spread open (Al-Isra 17:13). 'Read your book; today, you are sufficient to call yourself to account' (Al-Isra 17:14). Whoever is guided is guided for their own good, and whoever goes astray does so to their own detriment. No soul burdened with sin will bear the burden of another" (Al-Isra 17:15).
((وَكُلَّ إِنْسَانٍ أَلْزَمْنَاهُ طَائِرَهُ فِي عُنُقِهِ وَنُخْرِجُ لَهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ كِتَابًا يَلْقَاهُ مَنْشُورًا (13) اقْرَأْ كِتَابَكَ كَفَى بِنَفْسِكَ الْيَوْمَ عَلَيْكَ حَسِيبًا (14) مَنِ اهْتَدَى فَإِنَّمَا يَهْتَدِي لِنَفْسِهِ وَمَنْ ضَلَّ فَإِنَّمَا يَضِلُّ عَلَيْهَا وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَى...(15) الإسراء)).
Well, you reached adulthood, Allah made you responsible for yourself, knowing well what He created. As the Quran states: أَلَا يَعْلَمُ مَنْ خَلَقَ وَهُوَ اللَّطِيفُ الْخَبِيرُ (14) الملك))"Does He who created not know? He is the Subtle, the Acquainted" (Al-Mulk 67:14). You are accountable for your actions and must bear their consequences, both in this world and the hereafter.
You did not take revenge on your father for neglecting you and being absent from your life, believing that his only role was to provide for your material needs—which is a misunderstanding. You also did not take revenge on your mother, who tried to compensate for the absence of your father by being overly protective—which was also misguided. Instead, you ended up taking revenge on yourself by giving in to your desires.
Therefore, you should:
Return to Allah with sincere repentance and seek His forgiveness for your sins. Go back home and humbly ask for your parents' forgiveness, showing them mercy and respect—I am confident they have learned the lesson. May Allah forgive all of you.
You have become a burden on your husband, who now desires to be free from you after satisfying his ego, believing he is still a young man who can ignite the passion of a teenage girl. Because of this, he may easily choose to divorce you.
Come back and complete your studies, for Allah is with you.
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Dr. Yehia Othman
Marital Relationship and Family Counselor
+1(416)997-4377
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