Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuh,

Respected Dr. Yehia,

I seek your permission to share my life story with the readers of your esteemed Al-Mugtama magazine. I am not writing to request a solution, for my wounds run deep, draining my spirit, shaping my life in ways that make harmony, let alone healing, seems beyond reach.

I am a woman in my mid-thirties. Although my teachers have always recognized my intelligence and wisdom, I struggled through university, eventually leaving my studies to work. Since my youth, I have resolved not to marry, fearing that I might pass on the pain I inherited from my parents. I have no close friendships, as I have harbored resentment toward any girl who grew up in the warmth of her parents’ love. I would visit friends, see their parents chatting lovingly, and be filled with wonder.

Let me start from the beginning of my ordeal—my parents. I am the only daughter, with one older brother and one younger. Outwardly, my parents provided everything we could wish for. They gave us an excellent upbringing, made sure we attended Qur’an classes, and offered recreational activities. But despite their individual efforts, they failed in the most critical aspect: providing us a safe and peaceful home environment. This failure shattered me and my siblings emotionally. At home, it was either silent estrangement or outright fighting. During times of estrangement, my siblings and I were forced to play messenger, each parent sharing bitter remarks about the other. And when they reconciled, their arguments would quickly flare again, sending us scurrying like frightened mice. The terror I felt as a child whenever I heard my father raise his voice still haunts me, filling me with tears. I endured it somehow, but to this day, I don’t understand how.

What hurt even more was my mother’s criticism of my father in front of relatives and friends. My father was a kind and humorous man, yet he had a harsh tone, and quick temper, and would lose his patience easily, though he would calm down just as fast. My mother, on the other hand, was extremely sensitive and gentle, but she held onto grievances and took time to forgive. Their clashing personalities meant any small issue could ignite a conflict, and we were the ones caught in the flames.

By the time I reached high school, I had become desensitized. I stopped feeling sorrow when my father insulted my mother or anger when she berated him. It had become my norm. But everything changed with the eruption of a crisis that shattered our lives—the divorce. My father didn’t just divorce my mother; he divorced us too.

Their separation, or rather, their "war," lasted nearly three years, beginning with arguments, shouting, and physical confrontations. My mother and I eventually took refuge in my room, forming our own little island in a house split in two. She demanded a divorce, and while my father tried to reconcile, she stood firm. They lived separately, and though the fighting ceased, harsh words still flew between them.

My mother eventually went to court to obtain a divorce, which enraged my father, leading him to insult and assault her. The police intervened, and my mother called on us as witnesses to what he had done. I can still see my father’s hurt and angry gaze, blaming us for testifying against him. After that, we left to stay with my uncle, crowding into his small apartment. My father refused to support us, saying he would wait for a court ruling. It was a humiliating period, as my uncle could barely afford his own family’s needs, forcing my mother to work and find a humble apartment for us.

Despite my uncle’s appeals for her to drop the case and our own pleading, my mother finally relented and agreed to reconcile. We were overjoyed but heartbroken when my father refused. Months had passed since I had last seen him, and I longed for him. I called, hoping to appeal to his sense of compassion, but he remained unmoved. He told me our mother was stubborn and had made his life unbearable; if she wanted the divorce, she should accept its consequences.

I still clung to the hope of returning home, but it was crushed when my mother received the final divorce ruling. I was devastated, not only for my lost hope but for the devastation in my mother’s face. I asked her why she hadn’t considered enduring for our sake, and she wept, insisting that my father had left her no choice. I questioned her decisions, asking why she had stirred his anger when we all suffered as a result. But she said he was to blame and had been difficult even before marriage, though she believed he would change.

Now, as I reflect on my life, I feel broken. I struggled academically, eventually leaving school to work. I detest my life, seeing glimpses of my father in every man I meet. And while I dream, like any woman, of having a home and children, the thought of sharing that home with a husband fills me with dread. The specter of my father looms over every imagined future.

Today, I isolate myself, avoiding friendships, locking myself in my room after work, lost in painful memories. I know that my wounds may never heal. Yet, I share my story out of compassion for those considering marriage: “Please, do not bring life into this world only to break it.”

Dear reader,

This letter is one of the most heartbreaking ones I have received, as it describes the harm inflicted by parents on their children. It addresses crucial family topics, including:

1. When do I have a legitimate conviction and not just a passion or emotion forthedecision to divorce?
2. How should the process of divorce be handled?
3. How to navigate post-divorce management?

Due to space constraints, I will respond to our daughter directly here and address each of these points in future columns, ALLAH willing.

First: Regaining Self-Confidence and Embracing Life

I empathize deeply with the suffering you endured from the strained relationship between your parents and the challenges you and your siblings faced after their separation. You have every right to feel pain, especially since it was caused by those closest to you, your parents. However, there is a difference between experiencing pain and allowing it to control and overshadow your life.

It is natural to be hurt, but it is unwise to dwell in a cycle of sorrow, revisiting past grievances. Many successful and creative people have emerged from challenging or broken family backgrounds. Here are some examples:

- Ibn Khaldun (1332-1406): The renowned Islamic historian and philosopher was born into hardship. He lost his father at a young age, and his family endured displacement and persecution, yet he rose to remarkable intellectual heights.

- J.K. Rowling: The British author behind the Harry Potter series faced extreme poverty and homelessness before finding success through her writing.

- Chris Gardner: His life story, depicted in the movie The Pursuit of Happiness, shows his journey from homelessness to becoming a successful investment advisor.

- Oprah Winfrey: She grew up in a broken home, overcoming many hardships to become a media mogul and successful businesswoman.

These stories demonstrate how one can achieve success and fulfillment, even after facing challenging circumstances.

The trials you have endured can serve as motivation to seek a fulfilling life. First, try to understand the ways of Allah’s creation; every individual is tested, and Allah grants rewards for the hardships they bear. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

 "Whatever trouble, illness, anxiety, grief, hurt, or sorrow afflicts a Muslim, even the prick of a thorn, Allah removes some of his sins because of it."[1] 

To move forward, begin to re-enter social life by engaging in community activities, perhaps starting with a nearby Masjid’s volunteer programs. Connect with coworkers, and neighbors, and build meaningful friendships. Consider continuing your university studies or, if that isn’t a good fit, join Quran memorization circles.

Second: Thinking on Marriage

Your father’s behaviour does not represent all husbands’ behavior; he is only one individual with his own bad behaviors. Many husbands honor and cherish their spouses and the sanctity of marriage. Your parents’ marriage problems were likely due to mutual mistakes, not just one-sided faults. Many marriages, by contrast, thrive on harmony and shared values.

You have the chance to build a stable and loving life and avoid the mistakes you observed. Use your mother’s experiences, which you witnessed and felt the negative effects of, as lessons to guide you.

You still have a future to create. Do not let the errors of others rob you of the happiness awaiting you. Trust that Allah is with you and guiding you along the way.

----------------------

Dr. Yehia Othman

Marital Relationship and Family Counselor

+14169973277

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

[1] — Narrated by Abu Huraira, Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5641.

Difference between Challenge and Problem:

First, let's begin by distinguishing between a challenge and a problem, to understand the magnitude of the responsibility placed on Muslims living abroad for “Expatriation”. But first, what is Expatriation?

More than two decades ago, with the expansion of internet services across the globe, the world has effectively become a small village, where geographical and nationality boundaries no longer hinder the exchange of cultures. As a result, alienation is no longer tied to physical location but has shifted to cultural and intellectual dimensions. This has led to a profound sense of alienation in terms of values. Today, we find many Muslims feeling like strangers, even in their own Islamic countries. Therefore, the discussion on "How the Muslim family faces challenges in the West" goes beyond the geographical context, as it addresses the broader alienation faced by Muslim families in our time, even when they remain in their homeland. This echoes the words of the Prophet: "Islam began as something strange and will return to being strange", :  "بدأ الإسلام غريبًا وسيعود غريبًا، فطوبى للغرباء"⁽¹⁾

The distinction between a challenge and a problem lies in their nature and impact. A challenge is a situation that, depending on how resources are utilized, can lead to either positive or negative strategic outcomes. It requires activating all available strengths to achieve a significant goal or to mitigate a major risk. On the other hand, a problem is a disruption in daily life that hinders personal goals and typically has multiple alternative solutions, either through resolution or by minimizing its harmful effects.

In the context of Muslim families living in the diaspora, residing in an environment that contradicts their values and obstructs their pursuit of goals is not merely a problem—it is a profound challenge. These contradictions often embed themselves into daily life, creating ongoing stress that is beyond individual control. If a person fails to engage positively with these external pressures, they risk being overwhelmed, leading to a loss of identity and the erosion of core values.

How do Muslim families navigate life in the diaspora? Unfortunately, comprehensive scientific studies on this issue, particularly with accurate statistics, are lacking. Most available research is based on personal experiences rather than rigorous data. From my own experience—visiting Canada regularly since 2011 and living here for nearly four years—Muslims’ interaction with the diaspora community can generally be divided into three broad approaches:

1. Isolation:

Out of fear of negative influences, some Muslims choose to isolate themselves, keeping their distance from the wider society. As a result, they miss out on shared Canadian social values and have little or no impact on the larger community.

2. Assimilation:

Others, unfortunately, abandon their religious ties and values entirely, becoming fully assimilated into the host culture, to the point of dissolving their Islamic identity.

3. Positive Engagement Without Compromising Identity:

The third group recognizes the challenge and actively engages with the host society while maintaining their Islamic principles. By embracing shared values that align with their faith and rejecting those that conflict, they contribute positively to society without losing their religious identity.

Some challenges facing Muslim families in the diaspora:

• The effect of alienation on the marital relationship:

Family disintegration and marital disputes represent one of the major challenges faced by Muslim families in the diaspora are often compounded by the lack of Islamic infrastructure, such as Islamic family counselors, Islamic psychologists, and Sharia courts. This absence can aggravate marital disputes, as there are limited resources to mediate conflicts based on Islamic principles. While some Islamic centers offer arbitration services, many families do not follow through with the decisions made by these committees. A family that prioritizes the pleasure of Allah, with both spouses working together to cultivate love and compassion, often finds their relationship strengthened when living in a foreign land. The unfamiliar environment can unite them, making each spouse a source of support for the other. However, for families with deep-rooted conflicts, these issues tend to worsen in the diaspora, with the marital relationship deteriorating further.

• Soliciting the wife in Western laws:

In some cases, wives may use Western laws as a tool to gain power in their relationships, particularly in situations of marital dispute. These laws, though offering rights and protections, can sometimes be perceived as enabling one spouse to act unjustly toward the other, if not used in the spirit of fairness and justice as taught in Islam. The key to successfully navigating these challenges lies in a strategic approach that encourages positive interaction with the broader society while maintaining one's Islamic values. By doing so, Muslim families can overcome the pressures they face and avoid falling into the extremes of isolation or assimilation.

Have Western laws led to a rise in divorce rates and empowered women to unfairly dominate men, or have they merely uncovered deep-seated family issues, long concealed by patriarchal traditions, unjust legal practices, and a flawed understanding of Islamic teachings? These laws may have opened the door for women, especially those who were oppressed, to seek the rights they had previously been denied in male-dominated systems. When this opportunity arose, many wives took the chance to seek justice. However, some have unfortunately responded to past oppression by acting unjustly in return, leveraging Western divorce laws—such as the right to claim half of the wealth—without considering fairness and equity. This raises an important question:

Have Western legal frameworks contributed to escalating marital conflicts and the breakdown of families, or have they simply exposed the underlying dysfunctions that existed within family structures but were masked by inequality?

From an Islamic family psychology perspective, it is critical to examine whether these laws challenge the integrity of the family or simply offer a legal platform for addressing long-standing grievances in an unjust system.

• The ideas that our children may adopt between glow, hyperbole, and anomaly:

One of the most serious challenges facing our children today is the tension between extremes like hyperbole, neglect, and the increasing normalization of homosexuality. This issue is exacerbated when parents neglect their essential role in parenting and education, leaving their children increasingly attached to the virtual world. It is crucial to emphasize an important educational principle: "Others can only influence your child to the extent that you allow or overlook." In the diaspora, there are numerous Islamic activities for children of all ages, such as Quran recitation, memorization, and learning about Islamic heroes. However, even in Islamic countries—not just in the diaspora—there are also forces promoting intellectual deviation and immorality.

The foundation of a nurturing, stable home for children lies primarily within the marital relationship of the parents. A healthy marriage, built upon mutual affection, mercy, and adherence to Islamic principles, serves as the anchor that protects and guides children. When parents neglect their responsibilities in upbringing and education, they inadvertently open the door for negative external influences to impact their children.

Children are a direct reflection of their parents' actions, not merely their words. Therefore, establishing a strong, values-based marital bond is crucial in ensuring the home becomes the primary source of positive guidance and protection for the child. It is through this proactive, Islamically-grounded parenting approach that children are shielded from harmful societal influences. Blaming the environment, the internet, or other external factors is simply an excuse for parental shortcomings. As the Quran states, "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves" (Quran 13:11). The onus is on parents to take ownership of their responsibilities and create a nurturing, spiritually-rich home environment. By prioritizing the marital relationship, rooted in Islamic principles of love and mercy, parents can effectively instill core values and guide their children towards a positive, wholesome development. This proactive, interactive parenting, grounded in faith, is the surest way to safeguard children from negative influences and ensure their well-being.

• Drugs, alcohol, sex, and bad friends:

While reliable statistical data on the spread of concerning societal trends among Arab youth may be limited, the anecdotal experiences shared by parents reflect a disconcerting reality. We must confront this challenge head-on, without resorting to denial or selective favoritism. The diasporic environment, by nature, exposes our children to a wider array of influences, which may amplify the perception of these issues. However, we cannot overlook the pervasive nature of certain harmful phenomena, even within our own communities. The most pernicious "friend" our children can have is the Internet - a domain that is boundless, unmoored from any cultural or moral grounding. As the digital realm becomes an increasingly integral part of our lives, the need to guide our children in navigating it with Islamic values and principles becomes paramount.

Rather than dismissing or demonizing these technological influences, we must approach the situation with an open heart and mind. Building a relationship of trust and confidence with our children allows them to engage us openly, without fear or shame, about the challenges they face. Instilling a strong foundation in the core tenets of the Islamic faith - including clear guidelines on permissible and forbidden conduct in all aspects of life - serves as a vital safeguard against the corrosive effects of harmful online content and behaviors. Ultimately, the most powerful antidote to these societal ills lies in the parents themselves. By embodying the Islamic way of life, both in word and deed, we can provide our children with a solid moral compass and the resilience to withstand the temptations of the modern world.

• Parenting and Educational Legacy:

The Islamic family dynamic often carries with it a distinct set of parenting and educational practices, rooted in the cultural context from which it emerged. However, simply transplanting these methodologies without adapting them to the realities of the new environment can lead to conflicts and unintended consequences. It is critical to distinguish between the core, immutable principles of Islam, as outlined in the Quran and the Sunnah, and the cultural manifestations of these principles within various Islamic societies. While we hold firm faith and conviction in the divine sources of our religion, we must acknowledge that the way these teachings are interpreted and applied can vary across different contexts and communities.

One of the key mistakes in parenting and education is to blindly reproduce a particular approach, expecting the same results, without accounting for the variables of the new setting. The parenting and educational heritage of the Islamic world may not always align seamlessly with the curriculum and expectations of the modern, Western-influenced environment. In many cases, the approach to parenting and education in the countries of origin is often marked by an emphasis on authority, obedience, and even oppression. In contrast, the diaspora setting may prioritize persuasion, dialogue, and respect for individual rights. This clash of values and approaches can create a precarious situation for the children. For instance, children in the diaspora may be taught that they have the right to refuse anything they do not want, and that it is the duty of the community, including neighbors, to report any perceived violations of children's rights. This can put parents in a delicate position, where coercive tactics are no longer viable, and they must rely on the power of conviction and dialogue to instill Islamic values and practices. The great danger lies in the potential for children to become disillusioned with Islam, viewing it as a force of oppression rather than a source of guidance and spiritual nourishment. Parents must approach the task of raising their children with patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of the nuances of the new environment. The path forward lies in a careful reconciliation of Islamic principles with the realities of the diaspora setting. Parents must be willing to adapt their approaches while remaining steadfast in their commitment to instilling the core values of the faith. Through persuasion, open communication, and a deep investment in the child's well-being, parents can ensure that their children grow to be faithful, well-adjusted individuals, equipped to navigate the complexities of the modern world.

• Psychological Defeat:

Many immigrants carry with them the worries and negative perceptions that drove them to seek a new home in the first place. They may be convinced of the inherent truth and superiority of their religion, leading them to wonder why their homeland appears to be lagging behind. This sense of disillusionment can manifest as a broken, withdrawn mentality that hinders their ability to fully engage and thrive within the new society. The lingering feelings of disappointment and inferiority regarding the state of the Muslim world can be a significant psychological burden. This internal conflict - of living in a developed, prosperous environment while harboring a deep-seated belief in the inherent greatness of their faith and culture - can lead to a profound sense of cognitive dissonance. Consequently, the representation of Muslims in positions of political power or within civic organizations may not be commensurate with their actual economic, scientific, or demographic strengths. This disparity can further exacerbate the feelings of disempowerment and marginalization, perpetuating a cycle of withdrawal and resignation. As an Islamic psychologist, it is crucial to address this issue of psychological defeat through a multi-faceted approach. First and foremost, we must create safe spaces for open dialogue, where individuals can confront and reconcile their conflicting emotions and beliefs. By fostering a nurturing environment of empathy and understanding, we can help them navigate the complexities of their identity and reframe their perspectives.

Secondly, we must emphasize the importance of constructive engagement and proactive contribution to the new society. Rather than succumbing to feelings of helplessness, we must encourage members of the community to leverage their unique skills, knowledge, and resources to make meaningful, positive impacts - both within the Muslim community and the larger societal context. Through this holistic approach, rooted in Islamic principles of self-reflection, resilience, and social responsibility, we can empower individuals to overcome the psychological barriers of defeat and embrace a more empowered, purposeful existence within their new environment.

• The contradiction between household values and societal values:

The conflict that children may experience between the values instilled by their parents and the realities they observe in the broader societal context is indeed one of the most perilous challenges they can face. This dissonance can be deeply unsettling and lead to a crisis of faith and identity. On one hand, parents may emphasize the grandeur and noble principles of Islam, extolling the virtues of their religion and its teachings. They may speak with pride about the ideals of justice, equality, and the dignity of human life that are central to the Islamic worldview.

However, when children are confronted with the apparent deterioration of these values in the surrounding community - whether it be through the lack of respect for human rights, the disparities in the application of the law, or the perceived indifference towards various forms of work and contributions - it can create a profound sense of cognitive dissonance. The inability to reconcile the lofty, idealized vision of Islamic societies propagated at home with the tangible realities they witness in their immediate environment can lead children to doubt the very foundations of their faith. They may be tempted to place greater trust in the "dazzling material reality" of the diaspora community, which can appear to offer a more coherent and satisfying value system. We all as an Islamic community, it is our responsibility to address this challenge with empathy, wisdom, and a nuanced understanding of the complexities involved. We must create safe spaces for children to voice their doubts and concerns, and help them navigate the seemingly contradictory messages they receive.

Through open and honest dialogue, we can guide them to reconcile their faith with the realities of the modern world, equipping them with the tools to critically examine societal norms and practices while maintaining a steadfast commitment to the core principles of Islam. By doing so, we can help them forge a robust, integrated identity that celebrates the value of their religion while remaining grounded in the complexities of their lived experiences. Ultimately, the goal is to empower these children to become agents of positive change – individuals who can draw upon the timeless wisdom of their faith to address the shortcomings they observe in their communities, and who can strive to bridge the gap between the ideals of Islam and the realities of the modern world.

• Random Islamic Organizations’ Action:

Although there are many Islamic institutions, most diaspora communities lack a central body to organize Islamic efforts under a cohesive strategy. This gap often leads to missed opportunities for cooperation, and at times even rivalry—not over material resources but in the quest for justice and influence. Islamic social work is often complicated by the importation of political and sectarian divisions, as external states supporting these institutions impose their own political agendas. The absence of coordinated Islamic social action undermines the potential for Islamic values of justice, solidarity, and mutual aid to be effectively realized in diaspora communities.

• Marriage:

In general, young Muslim women tend to have a stronger commitment to religious values compared to their male counterparts. As a result, some young Muslim men live single “without marriage”, while others marry non-Muslim women. This creates a significant challenge for Muslim women seeking marriage in Western societies, which often becomes a burden for their families. It is perplexing that, despite living in the diaspora, some families still cling to traditional Eastern marriage customs with their excessive demands, further complicating the situation.

To understand the extent of the psychological pressures facing our children in public schools, one must recall the struggles we experienced during adolescence, even while growing up in conservative environments. Now, our children are growing up in a culture where matters of sexuality are as casual as daily life activities. While I do not have precise statistics on the current state of our children, the situation can often be seen in one of two ways: either they openly reject their parents' guidance and live freely, protected by laws that shield them from parental influence, or they lead double lives—appearing devout and obedient at home, yet lost and confused outside. Some, by the mercy of Allah, manage to occupy themselves in constructive ways, but the constant pressure of sexual temptation still leaves physical and psychological scars.

It’s crucial to address these issues by providing our youth with guidance and support that is both deeply rooted in Islamic principles and adaptive to the challenges they face in Western society. This balance can help them maintain their identity and well-being, without falling into internal conflicts or external pressures.

If these are some of the problems facing the Muslim family in the West, then How can it be confronted? (Continued)

-----------------

Dr. Yehia Othman

Marital Relationship and Family Counselor

+1(416)997-4377

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 Salam ALLAH for you Dr. Yahya, please quickly answer and call me......

I grew up in an entity that could be anything but not a family. A man we call "father" provides for us more than we could ever dream of. He is usually busy managing his companies, and we rarely see him—except when he falls ill and has to stay at home. A woman we call "mother" manages the house and seven children with strictness, even to the point of cruelty, in an attempt to control their behavior and compensate for the father's absence. She typically sleeps only a few hours and never finds time to see a doctor about her deteriorating health, so the doctor comes to her, no matter the cost. Daily regimen, follow-up, and even close monitoring of every lapse, and with studying in the most prestigious schools and providing a team of private tutors, the results of the certificates were impressive.

Don't ask me about morality and how each of us is isolated himself in his room, lost in his own virtual worlds! Even though the principal—a mother—turns off the internet at 10 PM, each of us has his own secret way of staying connected and wanders wherever his impulses lead him!

Our relationship with what is supposed to be our father is -no relationship-practically nonexistent, while fear of our mother is what motivates us to work.

This dynamic has affected our relationships as siblings—we rarely see each other because each of us is busy with our own schedules, whether it's sports or tutoring. As a result, our relationships are superficial, and we hardly know one another. Family meetings are never on the agenda! Plus, as you know, social media apps are so entertaining, and the people we connect with there seem more exciting and glamorous.

In the eleventh grade, our physics teacher stood out for his ability to present the material in an engaging and entertaining way, peppered with endless jokes. He had a fun, natural style, without any affectation or pretense, and he was also quite handsome, often dressed in exaggerated elegance. All the girls eagerly anticipated his classes, and there were plenty of comments and fantasies about how he might be interested in a particular student or that his glances were meaningful. I was especially eager to excel in physics, hoping he would praise and compliment me.

I slept little from the night when his praise echoed in my ears, especially when he said, "I love your way of thinking."

In the twelfth grade, I decided to have it on my own! My mother called and asked him if he teaches me in private sessions, but he apologized for his lack of time, so I called him without what my mother knew until he weakened and agreed! And I am wandering with joy.

In the twelfth grade I decided to have him on my own! My mother had called him to ask if he could give me private lessons, but he declined due to his busy schedule. Undeterred, I reached out to him myself without my mother knowing. After some persistence, he finally agreed, and I was overjoyed!

For the first time I feel…!!! I'm not sure what it was, I don’t know? He was teaching me in the office room, and I had asked the maid to prepare hospitality before he came and don't knock on the door!

That year turned into a love story with some transgressions. I asked him to marry me, even though I knew he was in his mid-fifties and had children in university. He refused, I then asked to meet one last time to say goodbye, first he declined, but eventually, he gave in. I let my emotions take over, and I enabled him from myself, so he fallen, I threatened him, then he agreed to our marriage.

I left the palace of misery and deprivation, and I learned that my father was becoming paralyzed after he knew my story, also my mother was staying in her room not leaving it... I didn't care. I stayed in a small apartment on the outskirts of our city and at first, he had most of his time with me and then reduced until I was most of the time alone! And I saw my husband without his elegant suit and his flowery words! And I woke up screaming in amazement, “who is this”?

I realized that I never loved him; I was just taking revenge for my father's neglect and my mother's harshness. No, I will not waste my life with this man who deceived me and captivated me with his sweet talk. But where do I go from here?

التحليل:

إن أشرس الحيوانات توفر لصغارها الدعم النفسي من الحب والحنان واللعب بما يوفر لها الاطمئنان فتنشأ قوية النفس والبدن. فرض على الوالدين أن يوفرا لأولادهما المحضن التربوي الصحي، ولا يحملا هم الإعالة المادية فقد تكفل الله بها "نحن نرزقهم وإياكم"، أما الرعاية النفسية فمسؤولية الوالدين. إن الأولاد محتاجين للدعم النفسي بالحب من خلال الكلمات الرقيقة والقبلات والأحضان ووو...وكل ما يشعرهم بحبنا لهم أي كانت جهودنا لتقويم سلوكياتهم الخاطئة، فلا يكونوا عرضة لأي أهواء تمدهم بما قصرنا فيه. كذلك دورنا في بناء ودعم ثقتهم بأنفسهم وتقديرنا واحترامنا لهم من خلال مصاحبتهم وتعبيرهم عن أنفسهم ومناقشة آرائهم واتباع المناسب منها، وتدريبهم على اتخاذهم لقراراتهم بطريقة رشيدة.

Analysis:

Even the fiercest animals provide their young with emotional and psychological support through love, affection, and play, which gives them a sense of security, helping them grow strong in both body and spirit. It is the duty of parents to create a healthy and nurturing environment for their children and not to worry about financial provision, as ALLAH has promised, "نحن نرزقهم وإياكم","We provide for them and for you". However, providing emotional and psychological care is the responsibility of the parents.

Children need emotional and psychological support through love, expressed in gentle words, kisses, hugs, and all forms of affection that make them feel that they are our love, regardless of our efforts to correct their wrong behaviors. This ensures that they are not vulnerable to any influences that might exploit what we have neglected. Our role also includes building and supporting their self-confidence, valuing, and respecting them by being their companions, allowing them to express themselves, discussing their opinions, adopting appropriate ones, and training them to make decisions wisely.

This girl, despite the well-being provided and comfortable life by her father, but the price was the loss of the father, and the mother tried to compensate for father’s absence with strict cruelty.

However, there is a difference between firmness and harshness; firmness is necessary, but harshness destroys children and alienates them from us. Similarly, there is a difference between love and leniency, love is an educational necessity that fosters a sense of belonging and unleashes hidden potential towards goals that parents help their children formulate and achieve. This, in turn, builds the children’s self-confidence and elevates them above reckless whims.

Therefore, one of the elements of education is love with firmness, positive love, which may prevent from meeting some of the children's requests with the ability to meet them, to accustom them to patience, exertion and acquisition of skills. Parents usually entrust scientific education to competent teachers, religious education to a faithful sheikh and physical education to specialists, but no one can be entrusted with emotional education so that their children are satisfied with love and trust on their behalf.

We also emphasize the importance of having a space for psychological comfort for children by allocating an open meeting at least once a week, not for orders or criticism and guidance, but for fun and discussion of family matters and for children to express themselves freely. Also, there should be a special space for each child alone, in which he feels his value and privacy, in which the child pleases his parents what he wants.

Teaching is a great trust, and the future of the nation depends on its success. Therefore, there must be continuous evaluation of those who undertake this noble trust. By this, I do not mean only professional competence, but also religious, ethical, and moral competence.

This teacher has betrayed the trust and manipulated the feelings of teenagers girl, who live a critical stage of her age. Then he became weakened in front of temptations of a girl of his daughter's age, and he pushed her to grow her dreams until she fell into his trap. How much psychologists have warned of the relationship of the teacher with his students and the doctor with his patients - especially when the sex is different - and that it may turn into a relationship of dependence, belongness, absolute trust and emotional attachment. The teacher or doctor must gradually withdraw and replace another if he feels that his patient/student attached with him in bad way.

It is also the responsibility of parents to choose a teacher or doctor of the same sex, and to be careful not to be alone. Also, it’s very important to follow up continuously.

The loss of a sense of security in the father's lap with all its warmth of tenderness, comprehension, reference and confidence - despite his physical presence - and compounded by the loss of the role of the mother with the meanings of abundant motherhood and she acted as a cruel manager, created an emotional vacuum and psychological turmoil for this girl.

Therefore, with the absence of a valued family that control the behavior of this girl, who has lost the educational embrace and deprived of emotional satisfaction, so she has become easy to fall into the clutches of those who have lost the great teaching secretariat, and found in her teenage teacher her purpose, as he compensates her for losing the father and meets her desire for love and attention to her as a teenager.

To you, my daughter:

A person cannot justify their mistakes by pointing to the errors of others, regardless of how grave those errors may be. As Allah, the Almighty, says in the Quran: "For every person, We have attached their fate to their own neck. And on the Day of Resurrection, we will bring forth a book which they will find spread open (Al-Isra 17:13). 'Read your book; today, you are sufficient to call yourself to account' (Al-Isra 17:14). Whoever is guided is guided for their own good, and whoever goes astray does so to their own detriment. No soul burdened with sin will bear the burden of another" (Al-Isra 17:15).

((وَكُلَّ إِنْسَانٍ أَلْزَمْنَاهُ طَائِرَهُ فِي عُنُقِهِ وَنُخْرِجُ لَهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ كِتَابًا يَلْقَاهُ مَنْشُورًا (13) اقْرَأْ كِتَابَكَ كَفَى بِنَفْسِكَ الْيَوْمَ عَلَيْكَ حَسِيبًا (14) مَنِ اهْتَدَى فَإِنَّمَا يَهْتَدِي لِنَفْسِهِ وَمَنْ ضَلَّ فَإِنَّمَا يَضِلُّ عَلَيْهَا وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَى...(15) الإسراء)).

Well, you reached adulthood, Allah made you responsible for yourself, knowing well what He created. As the Quran states: أَلَا يَعْلَمُ مَنْ خَلَقَ وَهُوَ اللَّطِيفُ الْخَبِيرُ (14) الملك))"Does He who created not know? He is the Subtle, the Acquainted" (Al-Mulk 67:14). You are accountable for your actions and must bear their consequences, both in this world and the hereafter.

You did not take revenge on your father for neglecting you and being absent from your life, believing that his only role was to provide for your material needs—which is a misunderstanding. You also did not take revenge on your mother, who tried to compensate for the absence of your father by being overly protective—which was also misguided. Instead, you ended up taking revenge on yourself by giving in to your desires.

Therefore, you should:

Return to Allah with sincere repentance and seek His forgiveness for your sins. Go back home and humbly ask for your parents' forgiveness, showing them mercy and respect—I am confident they have learned the lesson. May Allah forgive all of you.

You have become a burden on your husband, who now desires to be free from you after satisfying his ego, believing he is still a young man who can ignite the passion of a teenage girl. Because of this, he may easily choose to divorce you.

Come back and complete your studies, for Allah is with you.

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Dr. Yehia Othman

Marital Relationship and Family Counselor

+1(416)997-4377

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