My dear mentor, Dr. Yahya,
I am a husband in my late 40s, and my wife is two years younger. We shared a beautiful love story during our university days, which culminated in marriage after graduation. Thankfully ALLAH, we have no significant marital problems, and our lives are relatively good. I earn a high income from my primary job in the mornings and have a second job in the evenings at a consulting office. Additionally, we receive income from my father's estate, which covers all our needs and allows us to save.
We have been blessed by ALLAH with four children who are the joy of our lives. My wife is a dedicated and virtuous woman who takes great care of our family. However, as we started our family, in the early years of our marriage, we were at the peak of happiness and passion. But with our first child, my wife over and over fully cared for him! My wife’s attention unnaturally shifted gradually towards caring for our children, and her focus on herself and me lessened until she didn't even care about herself or me anymore. Also at the same time, I became more engrossed in my work, striving for professional excellence. This dedication paid off with several promotions, increased responsibilities, and lucrative evening work, which I was keen to accept.
My wife has also become more preoccupied with the children and is bearing more burdens because I stay at work until the late hours of the night. As well as vacations after we spent together the mid-year vacation on an internal trip and the summer vacation abroad, and to my preoccupation, I spent two or three days and then left them and returned to my work, and I often apologized and went alone. Gradually, I failed to notice the growing distance in our relationship, both emotionally and physically. I would come home late, and my wife would already be asleep, exhausted from her day of taking care of the children and the household. In the mornings, our paths rarely crossed before I left for work.
My professional achievements and the wealth I accumulated for our family gave me a sense of fulfillment. Yet, as time passed, I realized I was living with a woman who had changed over the years, a woman who now seemed more like a competent housekeeper than the vibrant partner I once knew. The signs of aging were apparent to her. So, our intimate and emotional connection had faded. We went from being passionately in love to barely communicating or spending time together.
It became clear to me that boredom had crept into our marriage. The routine of everyday life, combined with the lack of novelty and excitement, made our relationship feel stagnant. We had lost the spark that once made our love so thrilling. Even our conversations became dull, and we resorted to mere gestures or nods instead of meaningful dialogue. However, I took solace in my career success, wealth, and investments, convincing myself that the stagnation of our marriage was the price for my professional achievements.
Now, I feel like a train that has run its course and reached the end of the line, only to return to where it started. I am exhausted and weary of everything. I can’t continue like this. Do you have a solution?
Analysis:
Marriage should not be a temporary arrangement. It is meant to be a lifelong commitment, filled with affection and compassion. If boredom or apathy were normal in a marriage, then maintaining a marital union would be impossible. Allah, the Almighty, who has ordained marriage as a,
(..وَأَخَذْنَ مِنْكُمْ مِيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا (21) النساء) “..and they have received from you a solid commitment,"
(أَلَا يَعْلَمُ مَنْ خَلَقَ وَهُوَ اللَّطِيفُ الْخَبِيرُ (14)الملك), , (He not know, He Who created? Would He be the Refined, the Expert(. Hence, it is essential for spouses to continually nurture love and mercy by fully caring about themself so they can enjoy affection and compassion as long as they are married. Therefore, marital apathy is an unnatural emergency in the psychological state of one or both spouses as a result of a defect in marital lifestyle, which are examples:
- Misplaced Priorities:
Essentially, taking care of the family is the responsibility of the husband based on ALLAH's mandate for guardianship. While, both husband and wife should prioritize nurturing affection and compassion in their relationship and development it, since the husband's leadership in marriage is a responsibility and a trust, it is the husband’s responsibility to share with his wife knowledge and work together to cultivate and develop affection and compassion. The wife has a crucial role in fulfilling the emotional needs of the family, which is possible when she feels emotionally secure, valued, romantically cherished, and sexually satisfied.
Yes, husband is responsible for striking the ground for halal sustenance, which is guaranteed by ALLAH, the Creator, "نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُهُمْ وَإِيَّاكُمْ"(32) الإسراء, "We provide them and you," but the material requirements for living and spiritual, emotional, and psychological care must be balanced for him and his dependents. The primary focus of the husband should be on fostering affection and compassion within the family, as this will enable them to raise a generation capable of upholding the values essential for the nation's revival and growth. As for the job and investments, they are tools to support the family’s needs. Therefore, professional excellence should not be an end at the expense of family care, which is an essential obligation on the spouses. A lack of balance between meeting material needs and fulfilling psychological needs, which are equally important for all family members, leads to psychological imbalances. This imbalance often results in an excessive focus on work and earning money, while neglecting the moral and emotional care of the family.
The wife plays a crucial role in meeting the emotional needs of the family, as long as she is not deprived of emotional fulfillment—such as respect, gratitude, companionship, peace, and self-security—or of romantic and sexual satisfaction. It is her right to have these needs met, and it is the husband's obligation to fulfill them. This responsibility lies solely with him, as no one else can satisfy these needs for her.
As well as the wife, while raising children is an important goal, taking care of herself and her husband must come first. Without each spouse taking care of themselves and each other, they lose the ability to effectively raise their children.
- Neglecting Proper Self and Spousal Care:
Marriage is meant for emotional and sexual fulfillment, and both spouses have the right/duty and responsibility to care for themselves and each other, both psychologically and physically.
One of the major purposes of marriage is to protect ourselves and our spouses against immoral behavior, through emotional and sexual gratification, which are the right and imposition on both spouses. This can only be done by psychological and physical care for both spouses. Therefore, each husband was forced to take care of himself and his wife psychologically and physically so that she could carry out his husband's rights. The husband will not be able to carry out the rights of his wife unless he is allocated enough attention and time to do so. Each spouse should obtain knowledge, skills, abilities, time, psychological mode, and effort to maintain their well-being and that of their partner. I would like to emphasize the wife's emotional and sexual rights and to be entrusted with her husband only, because the husband's shortening of her material rights may be guaranteed by her father, but if the husband's shortening of his wife's emotional and sexual rights, who compensates her?
It is the husband's responsibility not only to take care of himself physically and psychologically but also to generate motivation in his wife to take care of herself and him so that they can enjoy each other emotionally and sexually. It should also be noted that the husband's failure to satisfy his wife's needs emotionally and sexually is more serious, because if the wife falls short, the husband has the right to a second, third, and fourth wife, but if the husband fails, who compensates her? The emotional and sexual satisfaction of the wife is linked only to the neck of her husband.
- Lack of Development, Innovation, and Renewal:
A monotonous lifestyle can lead to boredom. To keep the marriage vibrant, spouses should engage in shared activities, spiritual practices, and continuous learning and growth together. Exploring new hobbies, spending quality time, and participating in meaningful projects can help maintain a dynamic and fulfilling relationship, so both spouses should:
- Daily Quranic roses read it together and children of any age, (Halaqa /Theaker)
- Competing in memorizing/interpreting/meditating on the Qur'an and Hadiths.
- Common hobbies: New language/ Sports/Cuisine/Reconciliation/Tourism and learning about some from the Creator Almighty's ability...
- Roquia and supplication.
- Knowledge of how to communicate emotionally and sexually, and there are hundreds of Islamic electronic pages under the supervision of specialists.
- To compete in creativity in all aspects of their lives, from the person with the best idea(creative thinking/outside the box).
- Tray to create many communication channels between them:
- Entertainment TV night, cultural, political, arts, ......
- Advocacy activities (through social media tools), cultural (cultural centers, YouTube channels), educational (an electronic page to provide their parenting experiences and learn about the experiences of others), social (WhatsApp group: to return patients and comfort the afflicted and congratulate those who have happy events from the family and the region and…)......
- The husband's participation with his wife in some domestic activities, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was in the profession of his family.
- their own weekly outing, one day each month, 3days each year.
- Exercise together daily.
And to the noble brother who is tired of his married life:
- Seek Forgiveness: Acknowledge your mistakes and ask for forgiveness from Allah and your family.
- You have to know and be sure that with sincerity, supplication, and taking into account the reasons for mental and physical health. With ALLAH's blessing, a couple can enjoy emotional and sexual satisfaction throughout their lives, regardless of their age. Understand that success in marriage, much like professional success, requires effort, dedication, and balance. Emotional and physical health are crucial to sustaining a happy marriage.
- Reduce Workload:
Consider reducing your work commitments to spend more time with your family. Apologize for your evening work.
- Take the nearest opportunity for a family trip without work distractions.
- Fulfill Emotional Needs: Your family does not need more savings, but they are in dire need of compensation for lean years of deprivation.
- Seek Professional Help: Expose yourself to a specialist doctor as your weakness may be psychological rather than physical.
- Share Household Responsibilities: Share with your wife the burdens of the boys until she finds time to take care of herself.
ALLAH be our savior
May Allah be our guide and savior.
Dr. Yehia Othman
Marital Relationship and Family Counselor
+1(416)997-4377
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