How to Build a Stable Marriage That Lasts a Lifetime
Marriage has become an extremely
difficult decision for both young men and women, surrounded by many risks,
exhausting obligations, and frustrating experiences whose stories constantly
appear across social media
platforms.
Marriage is facing deep crises
worldwide, most notably a noticeable decline in marriage rates, accompanied by
a rise in the age of marriage and declining fertility rates. Divorce rates have
also increased alarmingly around the world, with divorce rates rising by more
than 20% over the past two decades.
This increase has not been limited to
Western societies; the phenomenon has also reached societies known for strong
traditions and a significant presence in social life, such as Muslim societies
and East Asian societies.
But beyond the state of erosion
affecting families worldwide, whether through declining marriage rates
alongside a significant rise in divorce, it may be useful to raise a positive
question here: How can the home where a marriage begins also become the home
where it endures? Or how can we achieve stability in marriage despite the
reality that challenges the solemn covenant described by the Quran?
How Can Couples Build a
Stable Marriage?
Achieving a stable marriage amid overwhelming materialism and digital distractions requires conscious effort,
correcting our perceptions of married life and our life partner, establishing
foundations for managing marital disagreements, and providing the home with a
genuine system of values that enables it to withstand difficulties and endure.
Among the important steps toward
building a stable marriage are:
1. Correcting
Misconceptions About Marriage and Your Life Partner
One of the greatest obstacles facing
the concept of marriage over the past two decades has been the changing perception of marriage, transforming it into a form of partnership based on
legal rights and obligations rather than a human relationship founded on
affection and compassion.
The ideas occupying the minds of young
women and men are troubling when it comes to marriage, both in entering it and
maintaining it. They are either excessively romantic notions detached from
reality, imagining marriage and one’s life partner as a savior and married life
as a permanent moment of pleasure.
They may view marriage as a moment of
fulfillment rather than a transition into a new and consequential stage of life
involving diverse commitments that cannot easily be avoided. These commitments
can be demanding and require sacrifices, overlooking mistakes, and being
tolerant of shortcomings.
2. Establishing
Independence From Outside Interference
The independence of the household is
essential to its continuity. Without this independence, the home remains
subject to the moods and interference of outsiders.
One of the most important forms of
independence is becoming free from excessive maternal interference. One
mistaken perception is for a young man to believe that his wife is a safe
replacement for his mother and that she should give endlessly without expecting
anything in return, or that his mother’s authority over him should continue
after marriage.
Psychology has discussed this
phenomenon and referred to it as maternal enmeshment,
which describes an excessive and unhealthy emotional attachment between a
husband and his mother, or between a wife and her mother. In such
relationships, psychological boundaries and life choices become intertwined in
a way that eliminates the independence of the husband or wife.
This can negatively affect the
marriage and leave the household subject to the choices of an outside third
party.
Psychologists Kenneth M. Adams and
Alexander P. Morgan discussed this problem in their book When He’s Married
to Mom, a psychological, social, and practical guide that offers advice to
wives on helping their husbands free themselves from their mothers’ control.
The hidden and visible presence of a
mother in the marital home can often negatively affect the household. A mother
may be present through her obvious and powerful influence, or she may be
present in the subconscious when a husband expects his wife to give him the
same abundant maternal care without any rights or obligations in return.
In this case, the husband projects his
expectations and needs onto his wife because he unconsciously perceives her as
his mother.
This is what American social
philosopher Michael Gurian warned about in his book The Invisible Presence:
How a Man’s Relationship With His Mother Affects All His Relationships With
Women. He attributed part of this problem to family upbringing.
When a son watches his mother
disregard the role of his father or the roles of men in general, it can become
difficult for that boy to find his place in the world without returning to his
mother and seeking her support. As a result, he may remain trapped in a
transitional stage that can extend into marriage, affecting the stability and
continuity of the household.
In her book If My Husband Would
Change, I’d Be Happy, author Rhonda Stoppe discusses women’s mistaken
perceptions about marriage. Among the advice she offers is to reject the lie
that you would be happier if you were married to someone else.
3. Learning Contentment
Amid Financial Difficulties
Perhaps Stoppe’s idea requires further
clarification. When marital happiness and the continuation of marriage become
tied to financial circumstances, the price can be marital instability.
This can redefine happiness as being
limited to material possessions, or it can lead a husband to immerse himself in
continuous work in an attempt to reach a level of consumer and financial
satisfaction that pleases his wife.
In turn, this can consume the
emotional and psychological needs within a marriage and perhaps eliminate them
altogether.
4. Learning to Deal With
Unfulfilled Desires
This does not mean surrendering to
despair or entering into conflict. Rather, it means managing the situation
flexibly, searching for compromises, or even postponing the fulfillment of
certain desires until circumstances become more favorable.
Learning this can reduce an unhealthy
obsession with certain desires and prevent a difficult situation from becoming
an excuse to end the marriage.
5. Developing Emotional
Maturity
Maturity refers to soundness and
quality. It means managing emotions wisely, understanding the feelings of the
other person, and dealing with those feelings away from anger, hostility, and
violence.
Maturity means taking responsibility
and possessing the ability to consciously process disagreements and crises. It
also means understanding the nature of the differences between men and women in
their emotions and needs.
Part of maturity is for neither life
partner to depend entirely on the other person to achieve their happiness and
dreams.
6. Stop Looking for
Happiness in the Wrong Place
When idealistic expectations about
marriage collide with problems in real life, or when a life partner loses some
of the charm and attraction that existed during the early stages of marriage,
some people search for happiness somewhere outside the home.
This may take the form of a path
forbidden by Islamic law, becoming excessively absorbed in work as an
alternative that alleviates the pain of losing passion within the marriage,
immersing oneself in friendships and social circles, or entering multiple marriages.
But this search is often not directed
toward the right place. Someone who cannot create happiness within their own
home may find it difficult to create it somewhere else. Even if they achieve
success outside the home, the place of the home may remain empty within their
emotional life.
7. Breaking Free From the
Illusion of Changing Your Partner
Some people believe that marriage is
an institution designed to reform, change, and discipline the other person. But
this misconception creates instability within the home.
This makes it essential to begin with
choosing a suitable partner before marriage, followed by developing the
character of overlooking certain minor mistakes and undesirable behaviors,
allowing time and gradual improvement to address or change them.
Therefore, neither spouse should lose
hope in helping the other improve or modify their behavior. However, changing
the other person should not become their greatest preoccupation or primary
concern, because such change is difficult to achieve quickly.
A successful home and a lasting marriage are built upon forgiveness, mutual pardon,
overlooking shortcomings, and refusing to exaggerate problems.
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