Why Couples Struggle After Marriage?

Marriage remains the noblest of bonds and the strongest of human covenants, legislated by Allah the Almighty. Yet reality reveals a deep crisis that shakes this sacred tie: the shock after marriage. Couples enter their shared life with romantic dreams and perfect images painted by media and screens, but soon they collide with the harsh reality—accumulating responsibilities, suffocating financial pressures, and differences in temperament and expectations. Within months, many find themselves facing a wide gulf between the life they dreamed of and the reality they now live!

Why Do Dreams Collapse After Marriage?

1.    The Huge Gap Between Expectations and Reality

Many couples step into marriage carrying unrealistic expectations of perfection, often shaped by movies and TV dramas that bear no resemblance to real life. Once marriage begins, their rosy dreams crash against the rock of reality. No spouse can always live up to the other’s idealized image, and real life itself allows no space for complete perfection. This leads one or both partners to experience disappointment and shock.

Psychological studies indicate that couples who enter marriage with unrealistic expectations experience lower satisfaction with their partners during the early years. Moreover, 45% of divorced individuals reported that unrealistic expectations were a primary reason for their marriage collapse.

2.   Ignorance of One Another

After the engagement period ends and marriage begins, couples often realize they hardly know each other—each partner’s temperament, habits, reactions under stress, and likes or dislikes. Many ignored these aspects during engagement in the name of love and idealized hopes. After marriage, shock emerges, and incompatibility is revealed, sometimes making it unbearable to continue life together.

A survey by Forbes found that about 59% of couples who divorced within their first year cited incompatibility as the direct reason for separation.

3.   Ignorance of Marital Duties and Responsibilities

Sometimes couples enter marriage without a clear understanding of their responsibilities toward one another, or what marriage as an institution truly is. This ignorance may stem from their upbringing, social backgrounds, or the absence of proper educational or preparatory programs about marriage.

4.   Financial and Living Pressures

Financial strains such as economic crises, mounting debts, rising living costs, long working hours, and career challenges heavily affect marriages. These pressures lead to psychological exhaustion, lack of sleep, and mood swings, leaving couples with less patience and tolerance. Research shows that financial and marital stress can have devastating effects on the mental and physical health of spouses. In many cases, unresolved financial issues manifest as frequent arguments over minor, unrelated matters.

5.   Imbalance in the Distribution of Roles

There are always socially expected roles for husband and wife—who maintains the home, who works outside, who cares for the children, who provides financially. When these roles are not clearly agreed upon beforehand or when circumstances change (such as the wife working, the husband’s job shifting, or relocation), imbalances arise. This often creates resentment and tension. Studies measuring “role compatibility” between spouses reveal that when couples have clear agreements about their roles, marital satisfaction and acceptance increase significantly.

6.   Blaming One Another

Many couples rush to blame their partner whenever a problem arises, whether big or small. Instead of searching for mutual causes or solutions, they engage in finger-pointing, which weakens communication and drags the relationship into a sea of conflict and distress.

Psychological research indicates that blaming the partner is associated with significant decreases in marital satisfaction, increases in conflict, and a diminished sense of emotional security. One study, “Blame, Control, and Marital Satisfaction: Wives’ Attributions for Conflict in Marriage,” found that wives who blamed their husbands reported lower satisfaction in their marriages.

How Islam Addresses Post-Marriage Shocks?

Islam makes it clear from the outset that marriage is a solemn covenant based on affection and mercy, not on unrealistic dreams. Engagement in Islam was legislated so that both partners can examine each other’s character, habits, and expectations of family life, ensuring compatibility before marriage. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better between the two of you.” (Abu Dawud)

Islam also set a clear framework for marital duties: financial responsibility rests on the husband, while mutual kindness and fair treatment are the foundation of marital success. Allah Says, {Treat them fairly.} [An-Nisa’ 4:19] At the same time, Islam allows flexibility and balance between spouses according to their circumstances, as exemplified by the Prophet (peace be upon him), who used to assist his family and said: “The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family.” This balance is what saves the family.

When conflicts arise, Islam teaches self-restraint, positive thinking, and avoiding constant blame. Allah Says, {O believers! Avoid many suspicions, ˹for˺ indeed, some suspicions are sinful.} [Al-Hujurat 12:49] Thus, the solution is not endless disputes or accusations, but calm dialogue, shared responsibility, and reliance on Allah while taking practical steps toward resolution.

Malaysia has given great attention to preparing couples for marriage. It requires couples to attend pre-marriage training programs designed to educate them on marital responsibilities, rights, and duties. In Selangor State, one academic study evaluated these programs. It found that while they did not statistically lower divorce rates, they significantly improved marital understanding, emotional stability, and family harmony. This proactive initiative aligns closely with the Islamic vision of preparing couples for the challenges of married life rather than letting them face reality unprepared.

Islam thus provides a realistic, practical vision that spares couples the painful shocks of post-marriage disillusionment. It lays the foundation for patience, mercy, and mutual affection. Allah Says, {And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy.} [Ar-Rum 21:30]

Also Read:

• Marriage: A Divine Sign for Thinkers and Proof Against Deniers!
• Comparisons Destroy Marriages!
• 5 Key Islamic Principles for the First Year of Marriage

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Resources:

• Mahasin Al-Islam Encyclopedia.
• Tafsir Modoee Encyclopedia.
• Alukah.net