One day, I saw Hani, my cousin, hitting his head against the wall, saying: "Whoever loves his son should never spoil him!" Hani had been spoiled since childhood, and after his deceased father's pension was cut off, he couldn’t cope with life. This situation made me wonder: How can someone who received so much love and care end up this weak? Was the excessive pampering he received the reason behind this deterioration in his personality? I also witnessed the divorce of a bride from the family after one year of marriage due to her husband's complaints about her. I remembered her childhood, and we used to warn her mother against spoiling her too much. And there are other real stories that I witnessed, all of which trace back to excessive pampering.

What is excessive pampering?

Excessive pampering is giving children everything they ask for without effort on their part, and without setting any limits on their demands, even when those demands infringe on the rights of others. This includes providing things that are not age-appropriate, such as smartphones, laptops, and others. It could even go as far as allowing teenagers and children to drive their parents’ cars before the legal age, which may lead to the killing of innocent people in road accidents.

Excessive pampering is common in our societies and is considered one of the most dangerous educational problems, and everyone pays the price for it.

But what drives parents to excessive pampering? What are the main reasons behind it?

Why does the problem of excessive pampering occur?

The problem of excessive pampering among many Muslims primarily stems from a lack of awareness of the teachings of Islam regarding proper and sound upbringing, as mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah, which protect them from deviation ⁽¹⁾⁽²⁾.

The result of parents not understanding their role leads them to become weak in the face of various circumstances, such as: the child being the only one, or coming after a long break in childbearing, or trying to prove financial capability or superiority over others, or due to work or travel which pushes them to compensate with excessive pampering.

But what is the difference between healthy pampering and excessive pampering?

• Healthy pampering: where successful parents give proper love, are kind yet firm, view mistakes as opportunities for learning, teach life skills, and practice moderate supervision.
• Excessive pampering: parents can be judged as overly indulgent if they give children everything they ask for immediately, provide them with items not suitable for their age, do simple tasks on their behalf, and set no boundaries between them and their children.

The destructive impact of excessive pampering on the individual, the parents, and society:

Let’s take an example from a developed country to see the reason behind its progress.

Who raises the child in Japan?

Raising a child is of utmost importance and seriousness, as there is a specific time for instilling values and principles, and the older the child gets, the harder it becomes to shape their character. Advanced societies have realized this. For example, in Japan, no foreign nanny is allowed to enter the home... The mother and father are the ones who supervise the child's upbringing at home, and in school, there are top-level experts in education. Strangely enough, the first three years of a Japanese child's life are not about stuffing their minds with information for passing exams; rather, they are purely dedicated to instilling values and proper upbringing. And naturally, the first thing these experts avoid is excessive pampering due to its destructive effect on everyone, as we see in the following:

First: The impact on the pampered individual:

When a pampered person grows up, they will expect to get everything they want immediately without making any effort. But life does not grant everything, and they will be shocked when faced with rejection. They may resort to unlawful tactics such as flattery, bribery, or theft, or they may fall into depression. They will appear as weak individuals, dissatisfied with what they have, envious of others, and unable to exert effort to achieve success.

The effect of excessive pampering and violence on youth:

• Children suffer from behavioral disorders as a result of excessive pampering, such as difficulty concentrating, hyperactivity, aggressive behavior, and impulsiveness. These disorders increase the likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors like violence and crime. Statistics on violence annually show that more than 176,000 murders are committed among youth (ages 10–29), making up 37% of total global homicides. Homicide is the third leading cause of death among youth (ages 15–29) ⁽³⁾⁽⁴⁾.

Second: The suffering of parents and others due to excessive pampering:

Parents suffer from worry and frustration when they see their children unhappy, weak, and rejected because of their selfish and opportunistic behavior. Moreover, the pampered child becomes incompetent, unable to face life’s challenges because they did not acquire the necessary skills, as their parents did everything for them. Matters may escalate to legal accountability due to reckless behavior by pampered children, such as speeding, causing accidents, or drug addiction, and the parents bear the heavy costs of treatment in rehabilitation centers.

Third: The negative effects on society of a pampered child:

• When a pampered child reaches puberty, they become unproductive and unemployed. Instead of contributing their energy to driving productivity and developing society, they become dependent consumers, opportunistic, without limits. They break rules and laws to satisfy their insatiable desires, unable to restrain themselves, and do not stop until they get what they want—regardless of whether their actions harm others—because they want to get what they want without effort. This leads to a rise in crime and violence rates in society. A simple example is the increase in car accidents, as road traffic injuries are the leading cause of death among teenagers.

Prevention of excessive pampering in Islamic upbringing – the Qur’an and Sunnah:

Parental responsibility: Parents must be aware of their responsibility in raising their children and that they will be held accountable for any negligence ⁽⁵⁾.

Considering developmental stages: Each stage requires a specific approach, as the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Command your children to observe prayer when they are seven years old, and beat them for [not observing] it when they are ten years old, and do not let [boys and girls] sleep together."

The Islamic educational approach:

• Moderation and balance: Islam is a religion of natural disposition (fitrah), and it promotes moderation and balance in upbringing, discouraging both excessive pampering and harshness.
• The source: the Holy Qur’an- It presents us with verses on upbringing, emphasizing that the focus should be on raising children with righteous deeds and good morals ⁽⁶⁾.
• Good example: Parents must be good role models for their children.
• Raising on responsibility: Parents should train their children to bear responsibility and make decisions.
• Faith and piety: Raising children with faith in Allah and nurturing them to be mindful of Him.
• Worship and discipline: Accustoming children to acts of worship and training them in discipline and commitment.
• Instilling values: Planting values and morals in the minds and hearts of children at an early age ⁽⁷⁾⁽⁸⁾.

Warning against excessive emotional attachment to children:

• Prioritizing love for Allah and His Messenger: A warning against putting love for children and wealth ahead of love for Allah and His Messenger ⁽⁹⁾.

Preventing Excessive Pampering in Islamic Upbringing – Views of Religious Scholars and Thinkers on Overindulgence:

Sheikh Al-Ghazali points out that excessive pampering of children leads to:

• Weak personality: The child becomes dependent, unable to bear responsibility, and relies on others for everything.
• Selfishness and self-centeredness: The child grows up being selfish, caring only about satisfying personal desires.
• Lack of appreciation for blessings: The child fails to value the blessings they have, as they receive them easily and without effort.
• Difficulty adapting to life: The child struggles to adapt to life and its demands because they were not taught to handle responsibilities and hardships.
• Behavioral deviance: Excessive pampering may lead to behavioral issues such as lying, stealing, and disrespecting others.

Quotes from Sheikh Muhammad Al-Ghazali:

• “Upbringing is the foundation upon which the nation’s renaissance is built; it determines its future and destiny.”
• “Upbringing is not just education; it is the construction of the human being and the development of their abilities.”
• “Upbringing should be holistic and integrated, addressing all aspects of the human personality—intellectual, spiritual, and moral.”
• “A good example is one of the most important elements of successful upbringing; children learn more from the behavior of role models than from words.”
• “Upbringing should be continuous throughout a person’s life, for humans are always learning and evolving.”
• “Upbringing should focus on building a strong personality capable of facing challenges and difficulties.”
• “Whoever wants Allah to fulfill their needs should be most eager to fulfill the needs of others, for tending to people’s needs is a key to having your own needs fulfilled by Allah.”

— Al-Ghazali, in his book Education in Islam ⁽¹⁰⁾

From the Writings of Sheikh Al-Shaarawi on Upbringing ⁽¹¹⁾:

• Upbringing is a continuous process: “Upbringing is a continuous process that begins the moment the child is born and continues throughout their life.”
• Children as a trust: “A child is a trust in the hands of the parents; they must safeguard it and raise it in the best possible way.”
• The goal of upbringing: “Upbringing is the preparation of a person for life, not just for obtaining a certificate.”
• Correct Islamic upbringing: “True Islamic upbringing combines knowledge and faith, intellect and soul, this world and the Hereafter.”
• The importance of good example: Sheikh Al-Shaarawi emphasizes the role of being a role model in raising children, stressing that parents must be righteous role models in both word and action.
• Faith-based upbringing: He believes that the foundation of proper upbringing is faith in Allah, urging parents to instill faith in their children from a young age.
• Focus on spiritual upbringing: Sheikh Al-Shaarawi gives great importance to spiritual upbringing—teaching children prayer, reciting the Qur’an, daily remembrances, and supplications.
• Combining upbringing with prayer: He highlights the importance of supplicating for one’s children, encouraging parents to consistently pray for their children’s righteousness and guidance.

— Sheikh Al-Shaarawi on Upbringing ⁽¹²⁾

The “Vitamin No” and Doctors’ Advice:

Psychological Treatment for Spoiled Adults

Vitamin “No”: According to psychologists and sociologists, this is the solution ^{(Video 13).}
The solution lies in regularly giving children doses of the most important vitamin, one that is only available through the parents: Vitamin “No”—also known as the “beneficial denial vitamin.” This means raising children with the understanding that there is a value or effort required before receiving anything they want. This, of course, does not apply to basic necessities such as food, drink, and appropriate clothing, which should be provided reasonably and naturally. However, anything beyond that should be tied to a corresponding effort or value that the child must offer in return.

Conclusion:

Proper upbringing of children is a great responsibility and one of the most noble tasks a Muslim can undertake. Children are the future of the Ummah and the protectors of the religion. Therefore, it is essential to raise them with a sound Islamic upbringing that balances knowledge and faith, mind and soul, so that they grow to be righteous individuals for themselves and their communities.

Proper upbringing is based on the teachings of the Qur’an and the Sunnah. It combines gentleness and compassion, addresses all aspects of a child’s life, and aims to instill noble values and morals, reliance on Allah, and optimal use of time and health.

One of the most effective methods of upbringing is for parents to be good role models in every aspect of life. They must adhere to the teachings of Islam and embody them in both word and deed. They should rely on kindness and gentleness in raising their children, avoiding violence and harshness. Parents must also pray for their children’s guidance and righteousness—for du‘a is the weapon of the believer.

Excessive pampering should be avoided, as it is neither a form of generosity nor a sign of love. Rather, it deprives the child of building a strong and independent personality. Children must be guided to rely on themselves, develop patience, and bear responsibility so they grow into individuals who benefit themselves and society. Balanced upbringing is the one that harmonizes love and compassion with discipline and guidance, and freedom with responsibility.

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Sources from the Qur’an and Sunnah:

(1) "O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire…" (At-Tahrim: 6)

(2) From the Prophet ﷺ: “A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible for his flock.” (Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim).
He ﷺ also said: “Indeed, Allah will ask every caretaker about what he has taken care of; whether he has preserved it or wasted it?!”

(3) World Health Organization – Youth Violence:
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/youth-violence

(4) United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC):
https://www.unodc.org/

(5) "Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life. But the enduring good deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for [one's] hope." (Al-Kahf: 46)

(6) On the oneness of Allah: "And [mention, O Muhammad], when Luqman said to his son while he was instructing him, “O my son, do not associate [anything] with Allah. Indeed, association [with him] is great injustice.'" (Luqman: 13)

(7) On establishing prayer: "O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, [all] that is of the matters [requiring] determination." (Luqman: 17)

(8) On commanding the family to pray: "And enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be steadfast therein." (Taha: 132)

(9) On loving Allah and His Messenger: "Say, [O Muhammad], “If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people.'" (At-Tawbah: 24)

(11) “Tarbiyah in Islam” by Sheikh Al-Ghazali
Book link on Noor Book

(12) “Raising Children in Islam” by Sheikh Al-Shaarawi
Book reviews link on Noor Book

(13) Video explaining the importance of “Vitamin No” in raising children:
Watch on YouTube

- A researcher and specialist in self-development.

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