Conflicts between spouses often escalate when negative emotions accumulate, and one feels unappreciated or misunderstood by the other. This can turn disagreements into arguments or even estrangement, sometimes leading to separation and divorce.
Allah says, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Ar-Rum: 21)
Commentators explain that “affection” refers to intimacy, while “mercy” refers to children. Others interpret it as the mutual kindness and compassion between spouses. Ibn Abbas said: “Affection is a man’s love for his wife, and mercy is his kindness toward her, protecting her from harm.”
Wisdom dictates that men should take the initiative in resolving conflicts, preventing problems from escalating. He should remind his wife of Allah, their bond of affection and mercy, and listen to her until she has vented her sadness or anger, which often drives her toward emotional reactions and disputes.
Family experts recommend following four key steps to prevent marital conflicts from intensifying and to maintain harmony within the Muslim household:
1. Avoid Bringing Up the Past
Bringing up past incidents and using them against your spouse complicates discussions and hinders understanding. It may also prompt the other party to retaliate in the same way, recalling unrelated past grievances, which only deepens the divide between them and distracts from resolving the present issue.
This mistake is a primary cause of escalating conflicts, as it revives past negative emotions, leading to accumulated frustration. Instead, both spouses should focus solely on the current issue and work toward a solution without deviating from it.
2. Listen to Your Spouse
Give your spouse the opportunity to speak and express their feelings, especially the wife. Let her talk without interruptions. Simply listening attentively can resolve a significant part of the issue. A calm approach improves the atmosphere of discussion and increases the chances of resolving the conflict. The key is to make your spouse feel heard, understood, and respected.
Through this approach, a husband plants the seeds of resolution, gives himself a chance to process what happened, and might even come up with immediate solutions. Additionally, a wife may feel emotionally relieved after expressing herself, knowing that her husband listened without reacting angrily. Once she has spoken, the discussion can move toward finding a solution and fully resolving the conflict.
3. Avoid Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument
A marital disagreement is not a battlefield between two enemies. Instead, remember the bond of affection and mercy that unites you. The goal should be to contain the issue and understand each other’s needs within a constructive discussion that leads to solutions rather than disputes, estrangement, or even divorce.
Some people raise their voices to dominate the conversation or to end it on their terms. Others resort to threats, which only worsen the situation and diminish any chances of understanding. Worse still, such arguments might be overheard by neighbors or relatives. Instead, view discussions as opportunities to exchange ideas, voice concerns, ask questions, and propose solutions—without the need for one side to “win.”
4. Keep Your Goal in Mind: Resolving the Issue
Your ultimate objective should be resolving the conflict, whether through a kind word, a gentle touch, or acknowledging a suggestion from your spouse. Even if you propose a solution, do not dismiss her ideas entirely or belittle her contributions. Reassure her that you are working toward a solution together, and consider all possibilities, including her suggestions. If necessary, take time to reflect on an idea or seek advice from an expert. This approach demonstrates respect for her feelings and gives both of you the opportunity to address the issue effectively.
We find in the Prophet ﷺ the best example of handling conflicts with wisdom and patience. An incident illustrates his calm approach to dealing with the anger of Lady Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her).
Narrated An-Nu'man ibn Bashir: When AbuBakr asked the permission of the Prophet (ﷺ) to come in, he heard Aisha speaking in a loud voice. So when he entered, he caught hold of her in order to slap her, and said: Do I see you raising your voice to the Messenger of Allah? The Prophet (ﷺ) began to prevent him and AbuBakr went out angry. The Prophet (ﷺ) said when AbuBakr went out: You see I rescued you from the man. AbuBakr waited for some days, then asked permission of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) to enter, and found that they had made peace with each other. He said to them: Bring me into your peace as you brought me into your war. The Prophet (ﷺ) said: We have done so: we have done so. (Reported by Abu Dawood)
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