It is rare among humans to find those who abstain from marriage, desire solitude, prefer celibacy, and are content with being single. However, the norm is that once a person reaches puberty, they seek a partner in life. During this search, they consider certain qualities for the person they wish to share their life with, and based on these criteria, they choose that partner.
People's criteria and qualities vary significantly, but generally, they do not deviate from the four criteria mentioned by the Prophet ﷺ. He said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” (1) In another narration reported by Abu Sa'id al-Khudri, the Prophet ﷺ said, “A woman is married for one of three qualities: married for her wealth, married for her beauty, and married for her religion. So marry the one with religion and innate character, Let your hand be besmeared with dust.” (2)
It is customary for people to desire women and choose them for one of these four qualities. These four qualities are what attract men to marry women and are what men seek in women.
The correct understanding of this hadith is that the Prophet ﷺ informed us of what people typically do. It is a report about what exists, not a command to do so. Its apparent meaning is that it is permissible to marry for any of these qualities or a combination of them. However, it is more appropriate for people of integrity, religiousness, and those seeking guidance to prioritize religion in all matters, especially in something that lasts and holds great significance. Therefore, aiming for religiousness is the most important; that is why the Messenger of Allah ﷺ chose it and emphasized it strongly, commanding us to achieve it, which indicates it possessing a great blessing and a significant benefit. He said, “So you should marry the religious woman.” (3)
There is no harm in a man seeking beauty along with religion, for the Prophet ﷺ married mothers of believers who impressed him with their beauty, such as our mother Juwayriya bint al-Harith and our mother Safiyya bint Huyayy ibn Akhtab.
One of the interesting statements about beauty is what al-Mawardi said: If the marriage contract is based on beauty, it is more lasting in affection than wealth because beauty is a permanent attribute, while wealth is a fleeting attribute. If the situation remains free from spoiling leading to boredom, affection will continue, and the bond will strengthen. They have disliked excessive beauty because it leads to spoiling, which results in humiliation. (4)
There are those who seek beauty only, not caring about religion. Such a person does not mind if his wife is immodest and reveals herself. Worse yet is someone whose nature is corrupted and exploits his wife's beauty to fulfill some of his interests, presenting her to people of influence, authority, status, and wealth to gain favor, opportunities, positions, or deals, etc. This is something even animals avoid, yet some humans engage in it!
There is no harm in a man seeking wealth along with religion. The Prophet ﷺ said, “A woman is married for her wealth,” indicating that a husband may benefit from his wife's wealth and enjoy her possessions. If it were not permissible, the statement would be meaningless, and the rich and poor women would have been equally undesirable. If the woman willingly shares her wealth, it is permissible for him. If she refuses, he is entitled to only what he gave as the dowry. (5)
However, if the marriage contract is primarily for wealth and it is the main motivation, then the man is married to the wealth! If other factors promoting harmony accompany it, the marriage contract may remain, and affection may continue. If it is only for wealth, the contract is likely to dissolve, and affection to disappear, especially if greed prevails and loyalty decreases. (6)
A man's guardianship (qawamah) is based on spending, caring for, and protecting his wife. However, if the wife has wealth, “she might not burden her husband with what he cannot handle and not overburden him with spending or other responsibilities.” (7)
Yet, there are those who view their wife's wealth as a gain for themselves and do not fulfill their duty of spending. Some even look for a working woman to support him and his children from another woman, alongside serving them and preventing her from having children with him.
Some men seek a working woman and see themselves as entitled to her money even before marrying her. They calculate her income and demand it to buy luxuries—such as a car—that are far from their reach. They do not even ask for money to help set up the house but go to great lengths. They have not yet given the dowry and are demanding her money! If they give the dowry, according to Abu Hanifa, al-Thawri, and al-Shafi'i, “She is not obliged to buy what she does not want. The dowry is hers, and she can do with it what she wants.” (8)
There is no harm in a man seeking lineage along with religion, looking for noble lineage. A woman being noble through her parents and relatives is derived from counting; because when they boast, they count the merits and virtues of their fathers and ancestors, and whoever has more is considered superior.” (9) As for lineage, it is “the beautiful action of a man and his ancestors.” (10)
However, some seek high lineage to elevate themselves or to gain a position through the prestige of her family. If her family's status changes, he abandons her, mistreats her, and subjects her to humiliation.
Thus, seeking a woman and desiring her always has two sides: an acceptable one and a reprehensible one. Reprehension comes from exploitation, which deviates marriage from its correct purpose.
I have noticed that most exploitation, and the most common, is in wealth, while the least and rarest is in beauty. The exploiter is a loser in all cases, even if he thinks there is some benefit and profit.
We conclude with this hadith that sets the right direction and prioritizes what matters. 'Abdullah ibn Amr reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Do not marry women for their beauty for it may lead to their doom. Do not marry them for their wealth, for it may lead them to fall into sin. Rather, marry them for their religion. A black slave woman with piercings who is religious is better.” (11)
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(1) Narrated by Al-Bukhari in the Book of Marriage, Chapter: Husband and wife should have the same religion, Hadith (5090) from Abu Huraira.
(2) Narrated by Ahmad in the Musnad, Hadith (11765), and Shu'aib al-Arna'ut said: The hadith is Sahih for another narrater, and this chain of narration is Hasan (Good).
(3) Sharh Sahih Muslim by Imam an-Nawawi, (10/51-52), Al-Mufhim lima Ashkala min Kitab Talkhis Muslim by Abu al-Abbas al-Qurtubi, (4/215), and Tuhfat al-Abrar Sharh Misbah al-Sunnah by Al-Baydawi, (2/330).
(4) Fayd al-Qadir by al-Munawi (3/270).
(5) Sharh al-Bukhari by Ibn Battal, (7/186-187).
(6) Fayd al-Qadir by al-Munawi (3/270-271).
(7) 'Umdat al-Qari Sharh Sahih al-Bukhari by al-'Ayni (20/86).
(8) Ibid.
(9) Fayd al-Qadir by al-Munawi (3/271).
(10) Sharh Sahih Muslim by Imam an-Nawawi (10/52).
(11) Narrated by Ibn Majah in the Book of Marriage, Chapter: Marrying a Religious Woman, Hadith (1887), and al-Albani said in Da'if Hadith of Ibn Maja: very weak.
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