Romantic movies have instilled in generations the belief that there is no marriage without love and passion between a man and a woman. These films depict lovers fighting the world for their love and ultimately triumphing, making everyone submit to their love.
However, these films do not shed light on what happens to these lovers after marriage. They fail to show how they handle problems and whether this love grows with the vicissitudes of life.
This painted picture is far from reality and does not reflect it accurately. It has negatively influenced generations to believe that romance, love, and passion are the beginning and end of everything. If these elements are absent, life becomes impossible, and a family cannot be established under any circumstances.
Reality tells a different story; there are families founded on love that could not last, leading to failure. On the other hand, some families have sought other foundations and succeeded.
History and reality testify that many love stories did not lead to family formation due to various and differing circumstances in each case.
This does not mean negating love or avoiding its pursuit, but rather placing it in its proper context. Love alone is not sufficient for marriage. It requires respect, trust, understanding, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, affection, mercy, and the fulfillment of rights. These are indispensable foundations for marriage, which ensure its continuity and success.
Islam, through the Quran, explains that marriage can continue without love, or even when hatred occurs. Allah directed men that goodness might lie in a woman the heart does not fully incline towards and whose love does not fill the man's heart. This is because He might bless their offspring and produce righteous and virtuous individuals. Allah says, “And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them—perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (An-Nisa: 19)
Sayyid Qutb said: “How trivial is the cheap talk of those who prattle about 'love'—meaning by it the whim of affection—permitting separation of spouses and destruction of the marital institution, or even infidelity of the wife to her husband, or the husband to his wife, simply because one does not 'love' the other! What resonates in these petty, small souls is nothing more than a fleeting, erratic emotion and a ravenous, animalistic urge.
They do not conceive of the greater values of chivalry, nobility, decorum, and endurance which far surpass this emotion they babble about with their lowly, feeble minds.” (1)
The Prophetic Sunnah supports this understanding. Since human perfection is rare among men and even rarer among women, this means we all do both good and evil. None of us are free from faults, but if good predominates over evil and virtue over vice, then maintaining the relationship is better and more obligatory. Abu Huraira reported that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “A believer must not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.” (2) (Muslim) This means he should not detest her entirely, leading to separation. Instead, he should overlook her faults in favor of her good qualities. (3)
The Companions of the Prophet (peace be upon him) internalized this principle. If anyone deviated from this understanding, they corrected and guided him, preserving families and even Muslim societies from disintegration.
Al-Tabari mentioned that a man named Ibn Azra wanted to know his standing in his wife's heart. He brought a man named Ibn Al-Arqam to witness his wife's statement about him. Ibn Azra asked his wife in front of Ibn Al-Arqam, “Do you dislike me?” She replied, “Yes.” Ibn Al-Arqam asked him, “What prompted you to do this?” He replied, “I was overwhelmed by people's talk.” Ibn Al-Arqam then informed Umar ibn Al-Khattab, who summoned Ibn Azra and asked him, “What prompted you to do this?” He replied, “I was overwhelmed by people's talk.” Umar then sent for his wife, who came along with a disapproving aunt. She told her: if he asked you say, “He made me swear, and I disliked lying.” Umar asked her, “What prompted you to say this?” She said, “He made me swear, and I disliked lying.” Umar said, “Yes, let one of you lie and show kindness, for not all homes are built on love, but rather on mutual respect and Islam.” (4)
The woman believed it was honest to express her feelings of dislike to her husband in front of him. Umar rebuked her for this, advising her instead to reconcile with her husband through kind words rather than shocking him with such a statement. He established a great principle: “Not every household is built on love.”
The reason for her dislike was his reputation for divorcing women he married, causing people to talk about him, and that he was unjust to his wives. He disliked people's talk, and she disliked his actions.
In another narration of the same story, Umar said to her, “Yes, lie; if one of you does not love someone, she should not tell him so. The least of houses are those built on love, but people live together through Islam and good character.” (5)
So, the least of houses are those built on love—this love and passion sparked by a glance, causing emotions to flare and hearts to ignite.
But what do emotions do with a woman who is not of noble character, who turns against her husband at the first crisis, instills hatred for the husband's family in her children, or seeks to monopolize the husband leading him to desert his family?
A woman of noble character is restrained by her lineage from wrongdoing. Similarly, a woman of genuine faith sees goodness and magnifies it, turns away from evil, and forgives.
If love exists with noble character and faith, then it is a blessing. But if love exists with poor morals, weak faith, and low lineage, then we are better off without it.
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- In the Shade of the Qur'an (1/606).
- Sahih Muslim, The Book of Breastfeeding, Chapter: The Recommendation to Treat Women Kindly (1469).
- Al-Mufhim lima Ashkala min Talkhis Kitab Muslim by Abu Al-Abbas Al-Qurtubi (4/222).
- Tahdhib Al-Athar by Al-Tabari (3/142).
- Masawi' Al-Akhlaq by Al-Khara'iti, p. 89.
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