About the Author:
Sheikh Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradawi (1926 – 2022) was an Egyptian influential Islamic scholar and thinker, and the chairman of the International Union of Muslim Scholars.
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Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi wrote this book during the Doha International Conference on the Family, organized by the Supreme Council for Family Affairs in Qatar in 2004, with the participation of the United Nations, the Arab League, representatives of divine Abrahamic religions, and several notable figures.
This conference adopted a different approach compared to previous conferences regarding women and the family. The messages of previous conferences contradicted the teachings of the Abrahamic religions worldwide, promoting sexual pornography, same-sex marriage, abortion, and stripping parents of their authority over their young children. However, this conference differed as representatives of the Abrahamic religions united to oppose these deviations.
As Sheikh Al-Qaradawi mentioned, even though Islam has specific rulings regarding the family, such as the husband's authority (Qawamah) over the wife, the legitimacy of polygamy, and divorce when coexistence becomes impossible, followers of the Abrahamic religions agree on the fundamental principles of the natural family structure comprising a husband, wife, and children. We cooperate on what we agree upon and tolerate our differences.
Stable Marriage
The family is a social unit based on the legal, religious, sacred and public bond between a man and a woman, entailing mutual rights and duties. This bond is sanctioned in all Abrahamic religions as it aligns with sound nature and the principle of duality in the universe, where everything is in pairs except Allah, the One and Only. Allah says, “Exalted is He who created all pairs - from what the earth grows and from themselves and from that which they do not know.” (Yasin: 36)
A stable marriage is the foundation of a righteous family, which is why Islam emphasizes it and lays down intellectual, ethical, and legislative principles for its establishment and protection. Muslims first must understand the true nature of marriage as ordained by Allah, recognizing it as a union not just of bodies but of souls. Physical pleasure and satisfying desires are essential objectives of marriage, as well, enabling spouses to enjoy lawful intimacy and training believers to channel their desires within permissible bounds. Therefore, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Young man, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at strange women and preserves you from immorality.”
Believers seek more than just physical gratification from marriage; they desire a righteous home built on three pillars: tranquility, love, and mercy. Marriage is not only a bond between a man and a woman but also between two families through in-law relationships, which the Quran equates with blood ties. It also contributes to the world's construction through procreation, a primary purpose of marriage. Thus, Prophets prayed for righteous offspring, as did Zakariya: “My Lord, do not leave me alone [with no heir], while You are the best of inheritors.” (Al-Anbiya: 89)
Muslims must understand the foundations and components of a stable marital life:
- Good Choice: A Muslim should choose a life partner well, based on specific criteria:
- Piety and Character: A woman of faith fears Allah regarding her husband and home. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “If Allah blesses a man with a righteous woman, he has helped him fulfill half of his religion so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.”
Said ibn al-Musayyib also refused to marry his daughter to the son of the Umayyad Caliph and his heir apparent, and instead married her to a poor student of his, who he saw as more pleasing to Allah.
- Spiritual Compatibility: Some people are inherently incompatible despite having no apparent flaws. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) instructed those seeking marriage to look at their potential spouse to ensure mutual harmony and affection. Women should also see and talk to their prospective husbands to foster emotional connection. This right is neglected in some Muslim countries, particularly in the Gulf region, where the couple sees each other only on the wedding night. Conversely, others influenced by Western culture allow unrestricted interactions, which Islam does not condone. Neither traditional customs nor Western practices align with true Islam.
- Suitability: There should be material, psychological, intellectual, age, and social compatibility to prevent marital disintegration. However, these compatibilities may be overlooked, with the consent of both parties, if stronger reasons are mutually accepted. For example, Jabir ibn Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with him) married a widow to care for his younger sisters after his father's martyrdom.
- Freedom of Choice: Both men and women should freely choose their partners without external imposition. Unfortunately, some traditional customs still allow families to force marriage upon their children. Islam abolished such coercion, emphasizing personal choice. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) annulled the marriage of Khansa bint Khidam Al-Ansariya when she complained that her father married her against her will, while she’s a widow. However, some schools of thought require a guardian's presence to ensure all parties consent in the marriage contract.
2. Nurturing Marital Rights: Spouses must respect each other's rights. Islam emphasizes fulfilling duties more than claiming rights, as fulfilling duties aligns with ethical ideals, while claiming rights aligns with utilitarian tendencies. Abdullah ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) used to adorn himself for his wife just as she did for him, following Allah's command: “And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.” (Al-Baqarah: 228)
Marital rights are determined by two sources: firm religious Sharia and sound customs. The family is based on two essential elements highlighted in the Quran: Allah's limits and what is reasonable.
- Allah's limits are His commands and prohibitions. Among these are the wife's right to a dowry, maintenance, and kind treatment, and the husband's right to his wife's acceptance of his authority, preservation of his wealth, and proper upbringing of their children.
- What is reasonable refers to accepted norms established by virtuous people, endorsed by sound nature and rationality. Allah commands: “And live with them in kindness.” (An-Nisa: 19) Reasonable norms define the specifics of obligations and rights, of what the righteous Muslims agreed upon.
4. Maintaining Family Stability: Spouses should strive to keep their families intact and not succumb to separation causes. They must practice tolerance and patience, with the husband forgiving and the wife refraining from seeking divorce without compelling reasons. Islam mandates societal intervention to reconcile couples in case of severe discord. Unnecessary divorce is a grave wrongdoing, violating the solemn covenant of marriage without justification.
Permissive Philosophies
Sheikh Al-Qaradawi discusses the threat of permissiveness to the family, noting that all Abrahamic religions prohibit adultery and consider it a major sin. The Ten Commandments in the Torah include: “You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal,” protecting life, lineage, and property, respectively. Islam reaffirmed the prohibition of adultery and forbade actions leading to it, such as private meetings, touching, and kissing. However, modern civilization has abandoned these values, indulging in unlawful desires, which only increases insatiability, leading to more immodesty and permissiveness, leading to more unlawful pregnancies, which increased demands for legalized abortion, as seen in the 1994 International Conference on Population and Development.
Promoting Homosexuality
Homosexuality is more dangerous than adultery and has been condemned by all Abrahamic religions. Historically, it was only known among the people of Lot, who practiced it shamelessly. Their punishment included being turned upside down and showered with stones of hard clay, for deviating from sound nature. Today, homosexuality is promoted openly, with laws supporting it, and same-sex marriages are officiated and documented. Some modern clergymen and governments endorse it, to flatter those influential homosexuals who sway political outcomes. Sheikh Al-Qaradawi recounts being accused of hostility towards homosexuals in London in 2004 for adhering to the stance of all Abrahamic religions and scriptures.
Complementarity of Motherhood and Fatherhood
The family is the natural warm haven and the primary unit for societal continuity and the survival of the human race, starting with public and legal marriage. This family expands with children, an essential goal of marriage. Children are Allah's gifts, whether boys or girls, contrary to pre-Islamic practices of burying daughters alive and killing children for fear of poverty. Parenthood begins with childbirth, where motherhood involves nurturing and fatherhood involves providing. Both parents have rights and duties.
Children must honor their parents, with a particular emphasis on mothers due to their greater sacrifices. Allah says, “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (Luqman: 14)
Motherhood and fatherhood responsibilities extend beyond individual children to society, ensuring maternal care during pregnancy, providing adequate facilities for childbirth, and granting maternity leave for working mothers with full pay, as they are serving the society greatly. Professor Gary Becker, a Nobel laureate in economics, stated that housewives contribute 25% to 50% to national economic development.
Society should also support fathers financially to fulfill their parental duties without extravagance or negligence, promoting mutual assistance within the Muslim community through zakat, village or neighborhood solidarity, and state welfare systems.
Children's rights begin with legitimate parentage, recognizing both a biological father and a mother. The natural order requires a child to be related to the biological father (sperm donor) and the mother (egg donor and gestational mother). Splitting motherhood between two women (genetic and gestational) disrupts the essence of motherhood, undermining its significance and the rightful honor due to mothers. Denying a child a legitimate father is a severe crime and a grave sin.
Consequences of Permissiveness
The rise of permissiveness and widespread adultery has led to many unmarried mothers, depriving children of their true fathers who enjoyed lust, then evaded their responsibilities, leaving women to bear this burden alone. The worst crime is abandoning a child by both parents, leaving the mother to bear the burden alone, possibly leading to child abandonment.
One of the most heinous crimes is for a child to be deprived of both parents. The man, after indulging in forbidden pleasure with the woman, escapes, leaving her unable to bear the responsibility of the child or face society. Consequently, she abandons her child in the street or to orphanages, resulting in the child becoming unknown to their parents, with no family to belong to or to care for them.
Human Childhood
Human childhood is the longest and most challenging period of infancy among all creatures. Humans require care, training, education, discipline, and upbringing to be able to walk, speak, understand, and more. Therefore, a child needs parents to nurture and gradually teach them. The first necessity is breastfeeding, which the mother instinctively provides out of maternal love. Breastfeeding serves as both physical and emotional nourishment for the child.
Similarly, a divorced mother must care for and breastfeed her child, and the child should remain in her custody unless she remarries. As the child grows and decides to live with their father, the father should not deprive the child of seeing the mother, nor should the mother prevent the child from seeing the father. Such deprivation is extremely cruel and unjust.
If a child loses their father before reaching adulthood and becomes an orphan, the responsibility of caring for them shifts to the Muslim community, starting with their relatives who must financially support them if they are poor or invest their wealth if they are rich. If there are no relatives, the entire community is responsible for their care to ensure the child grows up well-adjusted and does not feel rejected by society. If children suffer the loss of their mother and the deprivation of love and care, they become their father's responsibility, and his responsibility doubles.
Some fathers willingly renounce their paternity, being preoccupied with their desires, whims, and wealth accumulation, neglecting their children and not inquiring about them. Such men severely wrong their children and wives. Worse still are children burdened with parents too busy to think of them, unaware of their actions or needs—the father engrossed in his wealth and worldly affairs and the mother in her appearance and friends, paying no attention to the child whatsoever.
Integration in Good Upbringing of Children
Parents must collaborate on the proper upbringing of their children in spiritual, intellectual, moral, physical, social, political, artistic, and linguistic aspects. Raising children is a challenging task for which parents will be held accountable before Allah. The mother's responsibility in early childhood is greater because she spends more time with the child. The father's responsibility increases as the child grows, needing guidance and supervision. Both parents should adopt a balanced approach in upbringing, avoiding excessive strictness or indulgence to prevent making the child feel humiliated or fostering psychological issues and disorders. Parents should provide their children with toys that strengthen their bodies and minds, play with them, and refrain from favoritism in treatment.
