The Prophet's household presents a variety of ideal marriage models that share foundational pillars and are enriched with many different details. These practical examples always carry a dual purpose: one path serves the religion, the call to Islam, and the believing community, while the other path serves the individual's psychological needs, providing them with tranquility, love, and stability through marriage.
There is no doubt that these two paths are not contradictory, as some might think. On the contrary, psychological stability for an individual greatly supports their journey in public life. Additionally, a society that upholds noble values and refined customs facilitates the fulfillment of the psychological needs of its members.
In light of this, we can understand the Prophet's household as providing practical, tangible, and realistic examples of life that simultaneously serve as a living translation of the Qur'anic values and Islamic Sharia. Taking the marriage of the Prophet (ﷺ) to Umm Salama as an example, we find many illuminating and guiding insights that we are in dire need of when establishing a family following the prophetic guidance in construction and civilization.
Harsh Challenges
When Umm Salama married the Prophet (ﷺ), she was in her mid-thirties, a widow with four young children, one of whom was still an infant. Her life had never been easy. Although she was from the noble tribe of Banu Makhzum and her father was a symbol of generosity, her life had been full of hardship and struggle since she and her husband, Abu Salama, embraced Islam early on in Mecca. They were among the first to embrace Islam, which transformed their lives into one of hardship and struggle. They migrated to Abyssinia during the first migration, where she gave birth in exile, and faced threats from the Quraysh tribe who tried to extradite them from the Negus.
When Umm Salama returned to Mecca, hoping for stability among her family after rumors spread that Quraysh had embraced Islam, her hopes were quickly crushed by the harshness of the Quraysh disbelievers and the tyranny they exercised over the Muslims at the time. Her family sought protection under Abu Talib, who soon passed away.
The days were tough until the Prophet (ﷺ) permitted the Muslims to migrate to Medina. Here, a severe trial struck Umm Salama's family. As she was about to migrate with her husband, her family forcibly kept her back, while Abu Salama migrated alone.
To worsen matters, Abu Salama's people forcibly took her son from her, dislocating his arm in the process, leaving her standing in Mecca's wilderness, drenched in her tears for a whole year. She would stand every day at the edge of the desert, weeping and watching the distant migration path until her family pitied her and allowed her to reunite with her husband. Her in-laws then allowed her to take her son and migrate to his father.
Umm Salama bid farewell to tears, and her life brightened with the return of her son and permission to migrate. She decided to migrate alone across the dangerous desert, relying solely on her trust in Allah, the Giver of life, who provided her with help when she reached the area of At-Taniem. Almost three years after her migration, as her husband witnessed the battle of Badr and Uhud, where he was severely injured, shortly leading to his death afterward.
Umm Salama returned to being a widow in a foreign land without family or protectors, but she recalled the words of Abu Salama from the Prophet (ﷺ): “We are from Allah and unto Him we return. O Allah take me out of my plight and bring to me after it something better.” However, she wondered if there could be anyone better than Abu Salama.
Resilience and Life
Her question was answered when Abu Bakr and then Umar proposed to her after her ‘Iddah, but she declined both. It wasn't easy for her to accept a replacement for Abu Salama. However, when the Prophet (ﷺ) proposed to her, the situation was different; a man like him could not be refused. Despite this, Umm Salama had the psychological insight to express her feelings and thoughts to the Prophet (ﷺ). She was a widow beyond her youth, with young children and significant responsibilities, and her guardians were not in Medina to marry her off.
The most profound psychological reason was her intense jealousy. Abu Salama had no other wife despite polygamy being common. She would joke with him that whoever died first, the other should not remarry. Abu Salama would reject this and say, “O Allah, marry Umm Salama to someone better than me who will not grieve her or harm her.”
The Prophet (ﷺ) reassured her, calming her anxious feelings and emotions, stating that her children would be his children and her guardians would not refuse him. As for her personal feelings, he was older than her, making them a suitable match in terms of age, especially since he already had two younger wives (Aisha and Hafsa). This also addressed her jealousy, knowing that the Prophet (ﷺ) was fair and just, and polygamy had wisdom behind it that would restore her vigor in life given her circumstances after Abu Salama's death.
The Prophet (ﷺ) accepted her feelings and reassured her that he would pray for Allah to remove her jealousy, as emotions are under Allah's control. He gave her the time she needed to adjust to him as her husband. When he visited her, she would take her baby and put her in her lap to nurse, and the Prophet (ﷺ) would respectfully leave. He did this repeatedly, demonstrating that the ideal marital model respects feelings and understands psychological needs beyond just fulfilling rights and duties. The Prophet (ﷺ) exerted effort to provide Umm Salama with the psychological security she needed while maintaining fairness with his other wives, a non-negotiable aspect for the stability of his household.
Umm Salama interacted with this emotional support, regaining her vitality, becoming a model wife who managed all aspects of life admirably. She was a bride at the beginning of the night and would rise to cook at its end, summoning a hairdresser to tend to her hair and appearance, but would stop when she heard the Prophet (ﷺ) addressing the people from the pulpit, saying, “O people...” When the hairdresser objected she would tell her, “Aren't we among the people?”
Umm Salama, who once asked the Prophet (ﷺ) about the mention of women in the Qur'an, received the revelation upon the prophet: “Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so - for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward.” (Al-Ahzab: 35)
Discussing Umm Salama's outstanding role in clarifying the Sunnah, spreading the call to Islam, and serving Islam exceeds the scope of this article. It suffices to compare her position during the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, where her steadfastness and wisdom reassured the Prophet (ﷺ) and prevented the Muslim community from potential disaster. This mirrors the reassurance Lady Khadija provided the Prophet (ﷺ) at the beginning of the revelation.
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