5 Harmful Phrases That Destroy a Child’s Self-Worth

08 Dec 2025

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Words carry immense influence in the life of an individual and society. Therefore, the Quran presents a vivid, tangible example of their impact through the parable of the good tree and the evil tree.

Allah Says, {Do you not see how Allah compares a good word to a good tree? Its root is firm and its branches reach the sky, ˹always˺ yielding its fruit in every season by the Will of its Lord. This is how Allah sets forth parables for the people, so perhaps they will be mindful. And the parable of an evil word is that of an evil tree, uprooted from the earth, having no stability.} [Ibrahim 14:24–26]

However, many parents do not realize the tremendous impact words have on shaping a child’s personality. They do not understand that one sentence can create within a soul what years cannot. A single word can revive a dead heart—and a single word can kill a living one.

There are words that destroy rather than build, words that leave no marks on the skin but carve the deepest wounds into the heart. As the poet clarifies:
The wound of the sword may heal and disappear,
But the wound of the tongue remains as long as life remains.

Words are education. A phrase is a stance. Speech is a responsibility. A parent must weigh his words with the scale of the Shari`ah, intellect, and wisdom. Allah Commanded us to choose our words carefully: {Tell My ˹believing˺ servants to say only what is best.} [Al-Isra’ 17:53]
Meaning: they must choose the best words and avoid words that destroy and do not build—especially with children.

Types of Harmful Statements towards Children

Here we pause at five types of harmful statements that drain from our children the seeds of hope and uproot from their hearts the roots of emotional stability.

1. Words That Crush a Child’s Dignity and Self-Worth

“You are stupid.” “You are a failure.” Etc.
Such statements shake human dignity to the core. When we tell a child, “You are stupid,” we are not correcting a behavior—we are issuing a sweeping judgment that insults the entire worth of the child. It is anger escaping through the tongue in the most destructive way.

Look at the Prophet’s method (peace be upon him) in dealing with children—even when they make mistakes. Anas Ibn Malik said: “I served God's messenger for ten years and he never blamed me for anything I didn’t do or anything which was destroyed at my hand. If any member of his family blamed me, he said, ‘Leave him alone, for if anything were decreed it would happen.’” (Narrated by Imam Ahmad 13419)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) never mocked children, never humiliated, never scolded, and never insulted them.

Dr. Muhammad Al-Yousuf, consultant psychiatrist, says: “Parents have no right to violate the dignity of their son or daughter. Human dignity is protected in the seventh heaven, guaranteed by Allah. It is not for parents to belittle or insult or stab their child’s honor. Dignity is a red line.”

A parent must therefore protect the child’s dignity and avoid humiliation.

2. Words That Destroy a Child’s Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is not a passing emotion, it is the backbone of a child’s personality. If it breaks, every aspect of life bends with it.

Parents sometimes unintentionally destroy this self-esteem.
When we tell a child: “You always disappoint me.” “Your friends are all better than you.” —we are stripping him of his most precious possession: self-appreciation.

Such statements silence the inner voice that says, “I can succeed,” and replace it with a whisper that says, “I am a failure.” Thus, the child grows hesitant and fearful.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibited a person from belittling himself, saying: “Let not any one of you belittle himself.” (Narrated by Imam Ahmad 11255 and Sunan Ibn Majah 4008) This Prophetic guidance is a clear call not to degrade one’s own worth.

Dr. Mustafa Abu As-Saa`d says: “Developing signs of self-esteem in the child—especially during early childhood—determines the features of his personality and future behaviors… Self-esteem drives the child to learn, adopt good manners, solid faith, righteousness, and uprightness. It also enables the child to acquire social skills and adapt to others without blind imitation or uncontrolled dependence.”

3. Words That Destroy a Child’s Emotional Security

Emotional security is not a luxury. It is the soil from which all values and behaviors grow. When this soil shakes, everything above it withers.

Parents sometimes destroy emotional security by making their children fear them—through constant threats, punishments, or statements like:
“I don’t love you.” “You are not my son.”

Children do not need a perfect home—but they need a heart that assures them of unconditional love, even when they make mistakes. Punishment must never carry hatred or revenge.

Allah Commanded the Prophet (peace be upon him): {It is out of Allah’s mercy that you ˹O Prophet˺ have been lenient with them. Had you been cruel or hard-hearted, they would have certainly abandoned you.} [Ali `Imran 3:159]

4. Words That Kill a Child’s Creativity

Creativity does not grow in fear. It does not bloom under criticism. It grows in a safe home. A child does not distinguish between play and exploration, between mistakes and learning—he sees every experience as a chance to understand and try.

When we stifle his imagination or mock his attempts, we teach him that thinking differently is dangerous and stepping outside the norm is wrong.

Caliph `Umar Ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) set a powerful example: he brought the young Ibn Abbas close, seated him among elders, asked him questions, and encouraged his insight.

Do not extinguish ideas, fuel them. Share their interests. Encourage and support them.

5. Words That Destroy a Child’s Independence

Independence is not born with the child—it is planted through encouragement and guidance. It is killed by excessive interference or overprotectiveness.

Parents sometimes extinguish their child’s independence with statements like: “Leave your homework, I will do it for you.” “Don’t eat by yourself—I will feed you.”

These phrases send one message: “You are incapable.”

Repeated often, they convince the child that he cannot do anything on his own and must rely on others to make decisions.

Dr. Abdulkarim Bakkar says: “We need a new culture in parenting—one that cultivates skill, not dependency; responsibility, not constant assistance. We must give our children opportunities to work—not only money.”

We must involve children in responsibilities and teach them decision-making.

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