Protecting Upbringing from Destructive Practices

In our previous article, we addressed a highly important topic: nurturing the collective spirit among children. We emphasized the necessity of building a well-rounded child’s personality based on positive social interaction, cooperation, and mutual respect—given the profound impact these values have on shaping young individuals and raising a generation capable of facing life’s challenges with a spirit of solidarity and unity. These values stem from a deep educational understanding that links self-development with the surrounding social environment, aiming to empower children to participate actively within the family and society.

Today, we move on to another crucial axis of upbringing, one that can be considered a fundamental pillar in building a healthy and strong personality: avoiding the destructive practices of the upbringing process. These practices negatively affect a child’s psyche and extinguish their talents and energies, thereby hindering their sound psychological and social development. This new article presents practical examples derived from the teachings of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), which call for an upbringing founded on mercy and gentleness, and warn against harmful practices such as physical punishment, verbal humiliation, calling children by ugly names, and other behaviors that destroy a child’s inner structure.

Understanding these practices and abandoning them not only reinforces the collective spirit discussed previously, but also prepares a suitable environment for raising a child in a balanced manner—intellectually, psychologically, and socially—qualifying them for healthy growth in all aspects of life.

Upbringing will always remain an interactive process between the educator and the one being educated: it is built by good relationships and destroyed by negative methods practiced by some educators. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) brought a practical and realistic methodology that took into account the human being, time, and place as they are. His approach was free of the disturbances that trouble time, place, and people alike. Among this methodology is his warning against multiple destructive practices that kill talents and energies in the souls of boys and girls. He himself avoided them, never used them, and even warned and reproached those who did. Among these educational destroyers are the following:

First: Physical punishment and beating

Beating children is among the most dangerous destroyers of parental upbringing. It has been authentically established that the Prophet (peace be upon him) never struck anyone with his hand—had beating been a positive educational method, he would have used it, but he did not. Our Mother `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said: “God's messenger never struck anyone with his hand, neither a woman nor a servant, unless he was striving in God's path; and nothing was ever done to him for which he took revenge on the perpetrator unless things God had forbidden were transgressed, in which event he took revenge for God's sake.” ⁽¹⁾

Indeed, beating and physical harm—besides being destructive to personality—corrupt all the good within it, and such methods may become a means of aiding Satan against the soul. Hence the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) clear statement: “Do not help Satan against your (Muslim) brother.” ⁽²⁾

There is not a single authentic report proving that the noble Prophet (peace be upon him) ever struck any of his children, punished a servant who erred, or disciplined a child who misbehaved. Rather, he would strongly admonish those who used beating to discipline their servants.

This is evident in the ḥadith of Abu Mas`ud Al-Ansari, who said: “I was beating a servant of mine with a whip when I heard a voice behind me saying, ‘Bear in mind, O Abu Mas`ud!’ But I did not understand the voice due to my anger. When he came closer, it was the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), and he said: ‘Bear in mind, O Abu Mas`ud, Bear in mind, O Abu Mas`ud.’ I then threw the whip from my hand, and he said: ‘Bear in mind, O Abu Mas`ud, verily Allah has more dominance upon you than you have upon your slave.’ I said: ‘I will never beat a servant again after this’.” ⁽³⁾⁽⁴⁾

Second: Demoralizing words

These are words that kill everything beautiful in the souls of children, such as labeling them as stupid, slow, or failures; constantly shouting such words at them; mocking their appearance, size, or academic level; and comparing them with their peers. The Prophet (peace be upon him) strongly warned against words of despair, humiliation, failure, ignorance, and negativity, and he guided toward replacing negative expressions with positive alternatives. It is reported from `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Let none of you say: ‘My soul has become wicked,’ but let him say: ‘My soul has become sluggish.’” ⁽⁵⁾⁽⁶⁾

He also condemned declaring others doomed. In the authentic hadith reported by Muslim from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: “When a person says that people are ruined he is himself ruined.” ⁽⁷⁾ It is read as ahlakahum with the accusative ⁽⁸⁾ or ahlakuhum with the nominative ⁽⁹⁾.

Caution is therefore required regarding discouraging words toward children. The one who errs may succeed after some time; an error does not permanently define the one who committed it. People may change, and hearts are in the Hand of the Most Merciful, turning them as He wills.

Third: Calling children by ugly names and attributes

When a child feels humiliated by the closest people to him—by being called ugly names and treated harshly—he may come to hate the home and become vulnerable to exploitation by others. This is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) was gentle with children and called them by the most affectionate names. Anas ibn Malik reported:

“The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said to me: ‘O my dear son.’” ⁽¹⁰⁾

Perhaps Anas narrated this report precisely to demonstrate to educators that the Prophet (peace be upon him) would address young children with terms of affection, even if they were not his own children by lineage. A child always seeks refined language from adults—kind calls and gentle treatment that make him feel dignified rather than diminished or humiliated.

Fourth: Educational negligence and failing to correct mistakes

This is another destructive practice in upbringing. The Prophet (peace be upon him) paid great attention to teaching children and disciplining them according to what is lawful and appropriate. Among what is reported is his prohibition of qaza` (uneven shaving) in a child’s hair and his disapproval of this practice. Ibn `Umar (may Allah be pleased with them both) said:

“I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) forbidding qaza`.” `Ubaydullah said: I asked: What is qaza`? He explained: “When a boy’s head is shaved, leaving hair here and here,” pointing to the forelock and sides of the head. It was asked: And the girl and the boy? He said: I do not know; he said: the boy. He added: As for leaving hair at the back or cutting evenly, there is no harm, but qaza` is leaving hair on the forelock while the rest is shaved, or shaving parts and leaving parts.” ⁽¹¹⁾

As for what is seen today in some parents’ neglect of their moral role—leaving their children without educational or ethical guidance—this is neither from Islam nor from the manners of sound upbringing.

Fifth: Contradicting words with actions

The Prophet (peace be upon him) strongly warned against lying to children or contradicting one’s good words with opposing actions. This is evident in the hadith of `Abdullah ibn `Amir, when his mother intended to give him something and the Prophet (peace be upon him) said to her: “If you were not to give him anything, a lie would be recorded against you.” ⁽¹²⁾

Sixth: Threatening, terrifying, and intimidating

Raising children through violence does not produce heroes; rather, it produces cowards or future aggressors once they gain power or grow older. Thus, the danger of violent, fear-based upbringing must be highlighted. The Prophet (peace be upon him) warned against this approach.

Umm Khalid bint Khalid ibn Sa`id said: “I came⁽¹³⁾ to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) with my father, wearing a yellow dress. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, ‘Sanah, sanah.’ ⁽¹⁴⁾ I began to play with the Seal of Prophethood, and my father scolded me. ⁽¹⁵⁾ The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, ‘Leave her.’ Then he said: ‘Wear this dress till it is worn out and then wear it till it is worn out, and then wear it till it is worn out.’” ⁽¹⁶⁾

From this hadith, several lessons are derived:

1.     The Prophet’s (peace be upon him) statement “Leave her” indicates that not every mistake by a child should be met with harshness or violence.

2.    Educationally, it highlights the importance of controlling parental behavior when correcting a child’s actions. The Prophet (peace be upon him) permitted the young girl to play with his noble ring and forbade her father from scolding her. Imam Al-Bukhari titled a chapter for this hadith: “Chapter: Whoever allowed a small girl to play with him, or kisses her, or jokes with her.” ⁽¹⁷⁾

3.    One of the rights of children—especially at a young age—is to be treated as children, not as adults.

4.    Among the arts of successful upbringing is supplicating for children, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) did by praying for her blessing and long life.

Seventh: Dependency and reliance on others

Dependency means that children rely on others to organize their lives and make important decisions on their behalf—it is an evasion of responsibility. Raising children to be dependent is extremely dangerous, as constant reliance on others kills the positive energies Allah has instilled in human beings, leaving them in a state of lethargy, negativity, and laziness.

Whoever reflects on the methodology of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) will find that he acted himself, worked with his own hands, and participated in building and labor alongside his Companions. He (peace be upon him) skillfully utilized the energies of youth and directed them toward what benefited them personally and benefited their Ummah and homelands. Among the clear examples of this is that he sent young men as envoys to other regions, entrusted them with various missionary tasks, and employed them according to their skills. He also encouraged youth to express themselves, their ideas, and their decisions, and he appreciated such initiative.

Among parental traits that produce dependent personalities ⁽¹⁸⁾ are:

1.     Parental authoritarianism and dictatorship: Such as a father who dictates to his children how to think, how to live, and what educational paths to choose. This upbringing produces individuals who merely follow orders, considering obedience the safest zone—since it avoids punishment and secures rewards.

2.    Excessive parental overprotection: A form of paralyzing fear for children, such as preventing them from travel, learning, exploration, or visiting others. This approach makes the child perpetually afraid of anything new and of the world around him.

As we continue to explore the foundations of sound upbringing that build our children’s personalities, we will move in the next article to another highly important aspect that is no less influential in shaping the individual: physical and health education. Physical health is not merely a biological state; rather, it is a fundamental pillar in building a child’s character, healthy growth, and preparation for a life full of vitality and productivity.

In the next article, we will discuss how proper upbringing can contribute to enhancing children’s physical health and establishing healthy habits that remain with them throughout life—drawing on practical, balanced educational models that reflect a spirit of mercy and respect for the human body.

Read Also:

-       How to Enjoy Raising Our Children? (2) Core Concepts of Islamic Upbringing

-       8 Benefits of Successful Islamic Education

-       How to Enjoy Raising Our Children? (5) Family’s Role in Raising Children

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Footnotes:

(1) Sahih Muslim: Book of Virtues, Chapter: His (peace be upon him) distancing himself from sins, choosing the easiest of what is permissible, and taking revenge for Allah when His sanctities are violated, hadith no. (2328).

(2) Sahih Al-Bukhari: Book of Prescribed Punishments, Chapter: What is disliked regarding cursing the drinker of wine, and that he does not leave the fold of Islam, hadith no. (6781).

(3) Anger is a natural state that affects a person when confronted with an action or statement he finds displeasing, or that exposes him to ridicule, humiliation, or a sense of being diminished. However, a father bears responsibility for learning skills to control anger when it occurs, such as developing personal skills, learning anger-management techniques through training or psychological support sessions conducted by specialists, etc.

(4) Sahih Muslim: Book of Oaths, Chapter: Companionship with servants and the expiation for one who slaps his servant, hadith no. (1659).

(5) It is mentioned in al-Nihayah fi Gharib al-Hadith wa al-Athar, vol. 4, p. 263, meaning: ghathat (became nauseated). Al-laqs means nausea. Ibn al-Athir says: “He disliked the word khabuthat (became evil) in order to avoid the expression of khubth (evil) and khabith (vile).”

(6) Sahih Al-Bukhari: Book of Manners, Chapter: One should not say: ‘My soul has become evil’, hadith no. (6179).

(7) Sahih Muslim: Book of Righteousness, Maintaining Ties, and Etiquette, Chapter: The prohibition of saying: ‘People are ruined’, hadith no. (2623).

(8) Meaning: he caused their ruin through his negative, discouraging words.

(9) Meaning: he is the most ruined of them in life.

(10) Sahih Muslim: Book of Manners, Chapter: The permissibility of saying to someone other than one’s son: “O my dear son,” and the recommendation of gentleness, hadith no. (2151).

(11) Sahih Al-Bukhari: Book of Clothing, Chapter: Qazaʿ (partial shaving), hadith no. (5920).

(12) Its authentication has been mentioned previously: p. ___ .

(13) In another narration: “I was brought to the Prophet (peace be upon him).” Ibn Ḥajar says: “This indicates her young age at that time, though it does not preclude that she was discerning then.” See: Fatḥ al-Bari by Ibn Ḥajar, vol. 10, p. 280 (previous reference).

(14) It is said that sana in Abyssinian means “good” or “beautiful”; it is a linguistic expression in which the nun may be lightened or intensified. See: al-Nihayah fi Gharib al-Hadith wa al-Athar, vol. 2, p. 415 (previous reference).

(15) Zabarani means: he rebuked me; and zabara someone means: he spoke harshly to him. See: Fatḥ al-Bari by Ibn Ḥajar, vol. 1, p. 126 (previous reference).

(16) Sahih Al-Bukhari: Book of Jihad and Military Expeditions, Chapter: Whoever spoke Persian or other foreign languages, hadith no. (3071).

(17) Sahih Al-Bukhari: Book of Manners, Chapter: Whoever leaves another person’s young girl to play with him, or kisses her, or jokes with her, vol. 8, p. 7.

(18) Among the effects of such dependent personalities are what is mentioned in reports of the World Health Organization, which included Dependent Personality Disorder in the Tenth Revision of the International Classification of Diseases under code F60.7 (Dependent Personality Disorder).

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