How to Enjoy Raising Our Children? (1) What is Parenting?

My Respected Professor, Dr. Yehia,
May Allah reward you and the team at Al-Mujtama Magazine for your support of the Muslim family. Praise be to Allah, we are a couple upon whom Allah has bestowed abundant blessings, including the blessing of offspring, which has crowned our happiness. We have exerted great effort in raising them well, sparing no effort or expense—whether in educational, cultural, or athletic programs. We also follow up regularly with a specialized doctor because one of our children suffers from ADHD, and lack of focus, despite his exceptional intelligence.

Yet despite all these efforts, our life has turned into a living hell! Yes, because of the stress of academic and value follow-up, physical exhaustion, and psychological pressure. This has even affected our relationship as a couple, as our disputes are focused on parenting methodology. Moreover, our relationship with the children has deteriorated due to their failure to fulfill their academic and behavioral responsibilities. They don’t give us the chance to calm, to express our love for them, or to praise them because they are always falling short. So how are we supposed to sit together and share joyful moments?!

To be honest: we do follow your kind advice, but in your response to a previous parenting problem, you told parents: “Enjoy raising your children.”
Can you live our reality and show us how to enjoy raising children?

Analysis

Yes, it is certainly not easy to enjoy raising our beloved children, but it is not impossible either. In fact, from the Islamic perspective, it is logical and natural, as we will explain, if Allah wills. Due to the importance, responsibility, and value of parenting from the Islamic viewpoint, I may address this over several articles.

1.      Some fundamental concepts regarding parenting.

2.     The axes of parenting.

3.     The general framework of a parenting methodology.

4.     The Islamic educational approach.

5.     Examples from the Prophetic guidance in parenting.

First: Some Fundamental Concepts Regarding Parenting

Parenting is an interactive activity between the caregiver and the child, tailored to fit the educational environment and the particular situation. Its aim is to generate motivation and stimulate desire in the child for acquiring knowledge, developing and mastering skills, and unleashing spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical potential, in alignment with the child’s psychological, physical, and intellectual traits. Due to the importance of understanding what parenting truly means, I will briefly explain each element.

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A. Activity

• Verbal: It's not just about the words we use, but also the tone, intensity, manner of speech, emphasis on certain words, and the emotional nature of what is being said.
• Physical: The body language of the caregiver—from eye contact, facial expressions, hand gestures, and physical presence—can have a greater impact than the actual words spoken.
• Psychological State of the Caregiver: Yes, the caregiver’s emotional state is a form of educational activity. The child can sense this even before the caregiver speaks, and is affected by it. Then comes the child's reading and interpretation of body language, which reinforces what they have already sensed, whether positive or negative.

B. Interactive Activity

Parenting is not about discharging emotions, issuing a stream of commands and sermons, threats of punishment, blame, or other ineffective parenting methods where the child is treated like a lifeless machine. Instead, the caregiver must understand the psychological and cognitive state of the child through their body language, words, and reactions to every educational activity. The next steps must then be aligned with the child’s reaction.

C. The Parenting Situation

It is a product of interaction between:

• The caregiver's psychological state and their educational intent (punishment, praise as a form of instruction, encouragement/discouragement, training on discussion, or expressing opinions).
• The psychological and perceptual state of the child.
• The educational environment: This refers to the emotional setting in which the educational moment takes place (home, mosque, market, whether the caregiver and child are alone, or among supportive peers, etc.).

D. Commanding/Forbidding vs. Motivating the Child

It is very easy for a caregiver to command or forbid the child. But unless the child becomes convinced of the value and impact of what they were commanded or forbidden to do, they may reject it, evade it, or comply only out of fear or desire for reward. This means the caregiver will have to keep repeating the command, thus the parenting moment has failed in its objective.

By contrast, motivating the child through convictions (religious, rational, practical, emotional, via role models, peers, or self-image) takes time. It requires understanding the child's personality and inclinations and the caregiver’s ability to hold discussions and persuade. But this builds the child's independent personality, one that governs its behavior through acquired understanding, not external pressure.

E. Focusing on Actions vs. Knowledge and Skill Building

Our actions are the product of our knowledge, which unleashes our potential and is then expressed through our skills. If the caregiver focuses solely on the action without building the related knowledge, developing the necessary capacities, or training the skills to express it, the child may do what’s asked, but won’t gain life experience from it, because parenting is cumulative, as we’ll explain.

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F. Parenting Inclusivity

Parenting should address all dimensions of the human being:

• Spiritual:
  Emphasize the child’s relationship with Allah, love for Him, sensing His blessings, having sound beliefs, understanding the objectives of worship as well as its rules. The Qur’an should be read to be understood, understood to be reflected upon, reflected upon to be acted upon and shared. The child must feel responsible for the Ummah and see themselves as an added value. There should be a comprehensive life plan to live by the Qur’an and Sunnah.
• Intellectual:
  The mind is one of the greatest blessings. Childhood is a critical time to develop intellectual capacity. That’s why we often repeat: “Ask them, don’t spoon-feed them.”
• Physical:
  The body is a trust for which we will be held accountable. No matter how much we read about a healthy lifestyle, our upbringing plays the main role in our actual health behavior.
• Emotional:
  Love and emotional exchange between caregiver and child is not just a key to parenting, but a psychological necessity—just like oxygen is for life. Emotional conviction, in particular, is the foundation of all other types of convictions—religious, rational, or practical. Emotional parenting is the most sensitive and impactful of all types, especially because it's tied to parents. A parent may delegate teaching or training, but can they delegate someone to love their children for them? No. Every educator (teacher, sheikh, coach, etc.) must generate love between them and the children under their care. But what children receive from their parents in terms of emotional love and care, and how they express their love to their parents, remains the most influential factor in their emotional development and the most important of all parenting domains, as it is the gateway to all others.

G. Is There a Universal Parenting Model or We Must Craft a Parenting Model According to Every Child?

There can’t be a general parenting model to be applied to every child. Every human has a unique psychological “print.” Even for the same person, their inner state changes over time. Therefore, the caregiver must tailor a parenting model suitable to the child’s emotional profile, physical capabilities, and cognitive capacities.

H. Creativity

It is crucial that the caregiver acquire the knowledge necessary for fulfilling this great trust. They must also build and develop the skills and capacities required for the specific parenting phase they’re in. It is important to emphasize that no matter how many books you read, lectures you attend, or workshops you join—despite their importance—they do not replace creativity.

Yes, the successful caregiver does not merely apply others’ experiences and experts’ ideas. They innovate in a way that suits the unique educational mission before them.

Parent's Role in Discovering Their Children's Hidden Talents

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