The Real Challenge of Living in a Joint Family
After
marriage, the first question that most often comes to mind is whether to opt
for living in a joint family or a nuclear one. The Shariah has nothing against
either. One is free to choose any of the two according to one’s own
convenience. But in my experience, if the couple is mature enough, the joint
family system would be beneficial in every respect.
Joint Family vs Nuclear Family: Which Is
Better?
There are
many requirements in every home. To build a successful home, many
demands have to be fulfilled. In this regard, the joint family system proves
more effective than the nuclear one.
In the
initial nuclear family, there are only two members—the husband and wife. But
later on children are born, and this entails the taking care of one another,
and the taking care of the house as well. In a nuclear family, the husband and
wife end up having to do everything on their own. While in a joint family, all
the members of the family contribute to the functioning of the house, and help
each other out. This proves beneficial for everyone.
The Hidden Cost of Joint Family Living
But
everything has a price, and in a joint family, one has to live amicably with
all the members of the family, avoiding confrontations and unpleasant
situations. This is a prerequisite for a successful joint family system.
Therefore, those who have an aptitude for harmonious living should opt for this
system.
In life,
everyone has to pay the price of either system. One either sacrifices one’s ego
for the benefit of a joint family system, or one keeps one’s ego intact, and
deprives oneself of these benefits. No one can find both these things at the
same time.
Understanding Mother-in-Law and
Daughter-in-Law Conflicts
There is a
problem in almost every joint family between a mother-in-law and a
daughter-in-law. But this is not a real problem. The problem lies in the
underlying psychological condition. One particular way of thinking can be
solved by another particular way of thinking.
For
instance, if a daughter lies down in the presence of her mother, it will be
regarded as something natural. But if a daughter-in-law lies down in the
presence of her mother-in-law, she will be regarded as being disrespectful.
Problems thus arise, due to this way of thinking, which basically results from
the fact that while the mother-in-law does not regard her daughter-in-law as
her real daughter, neither does the daughter-in-law regard her mother-in-law as
her real mother.
How Changing Mindset Solves Family
Conflicts
If they
both were to change their way of thinking, there would be an atmosphere of love
and peace in the family, and problems would never arise.
The law
of nature made by God is such that, every daughter will become a
daughter-in-law, and every mother a mother-in-law. Therefore, every woman must
cooperate with this system, as anyone failing to do so would be disobedient to
her Creator.
These
problems cannot simply be treated as existing between human beings; they are
between man and his Creator. For this reason, the solution suggested should be
taken seriously, so as not to invoke God’s wrath. Angering another man is like
angering a human being like oneself, but angering God would be like asking for
collision with the entire universe! Who can prevail over the entire universe?
For Further Reading:
- Book Review: “Foundations of Marital Happiness” by Sheikh Dr. Nasser bin Suleiman Al-Omar
- Wisdom, Dialogue, and Decision-Making in the Muslim Home
- Women in Islam: Full Rights and Independent Personality
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Taken from the book: “The Secret of a Successful Family Life” by Sheikh Wahiduddin
Khan
