5 Ways to Discipline Children with Wisdom and Kindness
Children make many mistakes from an
early age, and the same mistake may be repeated more than once. These mistakes
can have consequences for family and social relationships, but the ultimate
educational and behavioral outcome depends on how parents handle their children’s
mistakes.
Similarly, parents can make a serious mistake of their own when they handle their children’s
mistakes poorly. Some become angry quickly and invoke harm upon their children,
whereas the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, advised praying
for children rather than against them. He said: “Do
not invoke curses on yourself or on your children or on your possessions...” (Narrated by Muslim)
Wisdom lies in praying for children to
be guided, become righteous, and succeed, while avoiding physical and
psychological harm to them and seeking reward from Allah, the Exalted. The
Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “When
a man dies, his deeds come to an end, except for three: A continuous charity,
knowledge by which people derive benefit, pious son who prays for him.” (Narrated by Muslim)
Psychology and behavioral experts
recommend following systematic steps whenever a child makes a mistake. These
steps help prevent psychological harm and protect the child’s developing
personality.
How to Handle Children’s
Mistakes
The following are some of these steps.
1. Stay Calm and Avoid
Immediate Punishment
The first step is to avoid anger and
immediate punishment when a mistake occurs, remain calm, and act wisely. Anger
may lead to harming the child, causing injury, or making unsound parenting
decisions. We often hear of cases in which children have died after being
subjected to severe physical punishment by their fathers or mothers.
Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased
with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon
him, A man said to the Prophet (peace be upon
him), “Advise me!” The
Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Do not become angry.” The man asked (the same) again and again,
and the Prophet (peace be upon him) said in each case, “Do not become angry.” (Narrated
by Al-Bukhari)
2. Understand Why the Child
Made the Mistake
The second step, after avoiding anger,
is to understand the reasons and motives behind the mistake and become familiar
with the circumstances and details of the incident.
This can be achieved by talking with the child to understand the root causes of the problem, why the
mistake occurred, and why it keeps happening.
3. Correct the Behavior with
Wisdom and Kind Advice
Parents should offer guidance with wisdom
and kind counsel, following the Prophet’s example in correcting mistakes.
When a young man made a mistake and
asked the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, for permission to
commit adultery, the Prophet did not rebuke him harshly. Instead, he calmly
asked him, “Would you like that for your
mother?” (Narrated by Ahmad) The
young man was eventually convinced of his mistake.
4. Choose an Appropriate and
Proportionate Consequence
If a mistake warrants punishment,
parents should determine the appropriate form of discipline. The consequence
must be proportionate to the seriousness of the mistake and should take into
account the circumstances of the incident and the child’s personality.
Some children may respond to mild
physical discipline that does not cause injury, while others may respond to
having their playtime restricted. For others, deducting part of their personal
allowance may be enough to discourage the behavior and help them stop repeating
the mistake.
The appropriate approach therefore
varies from one child to another, depending on their age, psychological state,
and physical health. Discipline must never involve harm, ridicule, or
humiliation.
5. Encourage Positive Behavior
Through Praise and Motivation
Parents should correct behavior
through encouragement and positive reinforcement [l1] whenever they notice an improvement in their child’s
conduct. This helps strengthen the child’s self-confidence and motivates them
to maintain positive behavior.
Children should also be taught that
good character and kind dealings with others are acts of worship and ways to draw
closer to Allah, the Exalted.
