Consultations
How to Resolve Conflict between Spouses in Islam?
The Problem
Dear respected brothers and
sisters, the team of Al-Mujtama Magazine,
peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you. May Allah reward you for your
noble efforts.
Allow me, my esteemed Dr., to
present my problem with my beloved wife. It may seem simple, but it hurts me
deeply, makes me feel emotionally unstable, and leaves me fearful of the future
and its surprises. Despite the pain, I will set aside emotions and recount the
events, hoping it will be a lesson to others.
To begin, I affirm that my wife
is pious, chaste, and kind. We married over four decades ago, and Allah blessed
us with four children. Alhamdulillah, they have all graduated and married, and
we live in financial comfort by Allah’s grace.
From my side, I exert all efforts
to strengthen our bond. I follow closely your articles about marriage, and I
try to innovate. Daily, by Allah’s grace, we gather around the Book of Allah, I
perform Ruqyah for her and myself, I always praise her, and I maintain
emotional communication whether at home or outside. We meet intimately twice or
more weekly, after which she appears like a young bride.
You may ask then, where is the
problem?
Whenever a disagreement occurs, even
if minor, unless I initiate reconciliation, she never does. The relationship
then grows tense not because of the conflict itself, but because I wait for her
to take the first step in kindness as I do with her. I always wait in vain;
whatever I give has only temporary effect. It feels as though we are at the
beginning of marriage, with no emotional “credit” for her to respond accordingly.
This unsettles me. I no longer
feel assured about her reactions. My value to her seems tied only to what I
give. Yes, her responses are polite and never rejecting, but if I remain silent
for long, she never initiates, believing she is right, and I must always lead
initiative.
Often, I ignore disagreements and
take the initiative myself. But sometimes, I hold to my opinion and expect an
apology or gesture of affection. I wait for long, but eventually I have to step
in to protect her well-being, since her psychological and physical state
worsens during conflict.
This makes me wonder: does she
truly appreciate my embrace, my Ruqyah for her, or the intimacy Allah has
blessed us with? Does she realize the magnitude of Allah’s great blessings upon
us? Sadly, nothing makes her take the first step when conflict arises!
I once asked her, so I can fix
the reasons: Why don’t you ever initiate? She gave no answer.
She magnifies even trivial
disagreements, that I believe deserve no reaction, forgetting all positive
aspects of our marriage. She reacts as though her life is ruined because of a
minor issue. Of course, I am not an angel—I make mistakes as any husband does.
But her focus and sensitivity complicate everything.
She has a “negative memory” sharper than the world’s strongest computers! Some past
incidents remain to her unforgivable sins, though I treated her with utmost
generosity. She clings to negative memories, built on a dark outlook, which
harms her health and consequently affects her treatment of me.
I thought I could be the husband
who makes his wife happy. She praises me as creative when I show affection, but
at the slightest conflict, all my virtues vanish in her eyes and she forgets
the blessings Allah bestowed upon our relationship.
I tried convincing her, but she
says I am biased and unfair. So, is there advice for me and for her that she
might accept?
Analysis of the Problem
This is one of the messages we
frequently receive in the magazine’s mailbox. It revolves around one spouse
makes repeated kind initiatives yet sees little effect on their partner’s
behavior whenever the smallest conflict arises. In normal times, the spouse
offers praise, even affirming that their partner is wonderful. But when conflict appears, the other withdraw and never take the initiative.
From the cases that come to us
for counseling, we can confirm that it is usually wives who take the lead in
restoring marital harmony, while husbands often show resistance. However, there
are also rare cases where the husband makes repeated efforts, yet the wife
remains passive and unresponsive.
For the One Who Initiates
1.
The Virtue of Initiative
This is a great blessing from
Allah—that He guides you to be the one who reconciles first. If you make your
intention sincere for Allah, then the reward is immense. Allow me to remind you
of some of the sayings of the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “It is not lawful for a Muslim to desert (not to speak
to) his brother Muslim for more than three days while meeting, one turns his
face to one side and the other turns his face to the other side. Lo! The better
of the two is the one who starts greeting the other.” (Sunan Abi Dawud, 4911, authentic) He (peace be
upon him) also said: “The gates of Paradise will
be opened on Mondays and on Thursdays, and every servant [of Allah] who
associates nothing with Allah will be forgiven, except for the man who has a
grudge against his brother. [About them] it will be said: Delay these two until
they are reconciled; delay these two until they are reconciled.” (Sahih Muslim)
And: “Shall
I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than fasting, prayer and
almsgiving (sadaqah)?” The people replied: “Yes, Prophet of Allah!” He said: “It
is putting things right between people, spoiling them is the shaver
(destructive).” (Sunan Abi Dawud,
authentic)
If this is the reward for
reconciliation between Muslims, then how much greater is the reward when it
involves your spouse? As the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The best of you is he who is best to his
family, and I am the best among you to my family.” (Al-Haytami Al-Makki, authenticated) And he also
said: “A believer must not hate a believing
woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with
another.” (Ibn Kathir, authentic)
2. Beautiful Patience
Allah commands patience and
promises immense reward for any hardship:
“Indeed, the patient will be given their reward
without account.” (Az-Zumar: 10) Imagine how great is the reward for a
husband who is patient with his wife, intending it for Allah’s sake.
3. Competing in Goodness
A believing couple worships Allah
through their marriage. They know Allah observes everything: “So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it,
and whoever does an atom’s weight of evil will see it.” (Az-Zalzalah: 7–8) Thus,
their competition in initiative is based on forgiveness, and patience as an act
of worship.
For the One Awaits their Spouse’s Initiative
1-
Why Don’t Spouses Take Initiative?
Some reasons may include:
- Ignorance of the immense reward of initiative: The
solution is learning and renewing intention.
- Living as a victim of the past: Replaying
old pains until one becomes overly sensitive to words or actions, enjoying
the role of the victim. This state is destructive for both partners, as it
fills the heart with negative memories and constant anticipation of hurt.
Such a person finds it almost impossible to take initiative. The cure is
to return to Allah, remember His countless blessings, and show gratitude
for them.
- Negative mental image of the spouse:
Believing that initiating means weakness and would let the other believe
they are right and can cause embarrassment.
2- The Dangers of Not Initiating
Your spouse is a human being.
Their strength may run out, or they may weaken under the influence of Shaytan and ego. They may lose their psychological
strength, thinking: “Why must I always be the one to initiate?” So, you may
find yourselves in complicated situations over trivial causes that could have
easily vanished with a glance of gratitude, a kind word, a gentle touch, or a
kiss.
The strength of the marital
relationship depends on building an accumulated balance of giving. Among the
most powerful forms of giving that leave a deep impact on the soul is when the
husband takes the initiative to resolve conflicts with his wife. This elevates
his rank and increases his worth in her eyes.
Usually, when a husband sees that
his wife does not take the initiative to resolve a conflict with him, he
interprets this as a sign of indifference toward him. This provokes resentment
in the heart, not only reviving negative memories but also multiplying their
weight and bitterness. It also weakens love and harmony as the period of
estrangement prolongs, not to mention the harmful consequences it has on both
mental and physical health.
For Further Reading:
- Can Marital Life be Constructed Only on Love?
- Marriage Without Excess: Love, Simplicity, and Contentment
- A Key to Family Harmony
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